Phumbling, Stumbling, and Floating Along

Locust of Control

2012-01-26T16:42:00.000-08:00

Strong locust of control.

I'm endeavouring to complete PSYC356 by the end of February. I will finish the course...at least everything is set in motion for me to complete it on time. I wrote the final short quiz this afternoon, I have a multitude of research papers printed out for review (for final paper), and I have set the date for my final exam.
Today I read more about "locus of control" as proposed by Julian Rotter. Rotter basically wanted to be able to predict people's behaviour. What he discovered was the higher people's internal locus of control the better off they seemed. There has been a tonne of research done on this topic over the years. Maybe I should be writing my final paper on internal locus of control. However, I suppose it could relate to meditation/mindfulness/zazen/Buddhist principles. I'll have to do a search of "locus of control and mindfulness" or maybe just "Rotter and Mindfulness". I'll keep you posted.
So, pretty much, locus of control is "the belief people have that their attempts to reach a goal are within their control (internal locus of control) or are primarily due to powerful events such as fate, chance, or other people (external locus of control). Locus of control is measured by the Internal-External Control Scale." So, this scale attempts to figure out Where your locus of control primarily sits. Does it sit in the blame section of the bleachers or does it take its place directly on the field - are you participating in your life or are you simply letting the external world determine your outcomes? Apparently, being all of internal or all of external is not desired, but if you have a leaning towards internal locus of control you are better off for it. There have been studies...since I'm not being marked on this blogpost, I'm not going to find the source to quote it...you could check out the text book that references it: "Theories of Personality", 7th edition by Feist and Feist.

ode to time, Zazen, and children's novels past

2011-12-28T23:32:00.000-08:00

I'm going to start sitting again. I haven't done so in a very long time. I suppose time is relative, right? I mean really...a very long time to me is being counted as about three months. Is that a long time? Can I even calculate this time of not sitting in the same way I would count not drinking booze? smoking pot? watching television? maintaining a proper diet? reading? studying? working? They all seem to have their own apparent lapse. Okay, I don't know if I'm making sense to anyone else but myself right now. lol - what is right now? Your 'right now' I figure.
Here I lay me down to rest. It is time for bed and I have this thought to write another blog post regarding my not sitting. I could just type that I don't need to sit and don't need to explain why and that's totally zen. I'd be lying though. I'm pretty sure that's one of the precepts. I shouldn't lie.
Time - I haven't gone to the gym in about 10 days. That feels like a long time. It feels like a long time because I'm all paranoid I'll fall back to my unhealthy ways. I've decided to take a break until after New Year's (this one silly). I'm still paying attention to what I eat and I did go for a five kilometer walk today. I was baking in the sun in Los Cabos, swimming (more like marinating), walking the beach, and eating pretty well considering it was mostly buffet style. I did make sure to eat lots of fruits and veggies. So - 10 days of not going to the gym is more than not just hitting the weights or the treadmill. It's about feeling this anxiety and fear that I will gain back the weight I shed and not be able to fit into the new clothes that I've purchased or wear the old clothes that feel like new again, again. That must compound the time lapse. I figure I think about it more and therefore each moment I spend pondering adds up to more than let's say when I think about how long it has been since I've smoked pot. I don't think about it nearly every hour of the day. I hardly think about it at all. So the time spent thinking about how often one is doing or not doing something is the entirety of the time lapse. Maybe that's how time works? Maybe. Things seem to go by slowly when you think about it all the time. Like when I was a kid thinking about my birthday coming up or Christmas or other exciting things in my life as a child. I would focus on it and stim about it and not be able to wait for that special thing to come around...like scholastic book day. I loved that day - the books would show up and we would get our orders. I loved getting the book order. That was such a great thing. I was pretty blessed my parents were able to afford it. I remember carefully selecting titles and filling out the important information and carefully carrying the sealed envelop with the cheque inside directly to my teacher. I wonder if they still do that program in schools?
I've just spent the better part of 20 minutes trying to find this book I ordered or was able to find at the big sale when Scholastic set up in the movie room of the Jr. School. It was called "The Island" or something like that. I can't find it for anything. It is about this girl who is visiting family or she's gone with her parents to the lake and there is this little island that a boy lives on and she and he spend all their time together just playing and having fun...he doesn't have parents. I can't remember it all. I just know I loved that book. I lent it out to a not very trustworthy friend in high school and I never got it back.
There just spent another 10 searching. What I did find:
1. Ramona books. I heart Ramona. I would like to read them all again
2. The BFG by Roald Dahl. I just finished reading this on Xmas day for the first time in YEARS. Maybe 28 or something like that. I loved that book and I love it again. I was thinking about why it is I loved it so much. I think I might have imagined my grandpa being the BFG. He was/is pretty tall and he can wiggle his ears.

3. The Best Christmas Pageant Ever. So funny! I remember laughing out loud reading that book.

4. Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing and the other Super Fudge books. I enjoyed that one too. I'm pretty sure I read everything Judy Blume wrote.

and last but not least...
5. PIPPI LONGSTOCKING! Astrid Lindgren is my hero.

So - time. Time well wasted remembering the past. Remembering what I loved about childhood instead of focusing on what I had difficulty with. That is time well spent. I could have zazen'd away the time, but I've quite enjoyed the trip back.
I might sit tomorrow, I might not. We shall see when tomorrow comes...or is that another post? This moment is the only one I have. If I choose to sit I have done so. If I do not, I have not. It's as easy as that. It really is.
Thanks Vanessa for planting the zen seed once again with your Facebook update.

(just found out that FaceBook is in the dictionary used by my mac).

Survivor 23 - FINALE! Better late than never...

2011-12-26T19:01:00.000-08:00

Well, what can I say...we were in Cabo San Lucas (San Jose del Cabo to be exact) when the finale was on. So, I'm going to ask a bit of forgiveness for the late-late-lateness of the finale recap.

Xmas Eve in Cabo we released sea turtles into the Sea of Cortez

I'm going to guess the winner in this moment...I haven't read anything regarding the winner...I'm going to say - Ozzy. It burns my ass to type that out, but honestly, if he gets to the final, he's going to win. He's been able to "wine and dine" each member of the jury as they reached Redemption (Sophie said that). I mean, I really don't want him to win, but if he gets back into the game and wins immunity while there, he's going to win the entire game. If he doesn't - I'm going to guess Coach. I'm okay with Coach winning the game. I would much prefer Sophie win overall (she's my person for the work pool). Albert doesn't deserve it at all...he comes up with these game changing plans and never follows through. Sophie maintained the status quo, but at least she kept going with what she should be doing. I hope she kicks Ozzy's butt and wins immunity and he goes home.

UtOh! We might have missed some of the Survivor show! The one where we end up getting to the final three. We'll see what goes down. Rick - not too sure what he would win on. What did he do this entire game but vote party line?

So, we're getting the recap - boring...boring...boring.

Forgot about Coach's "christian man" irrevocable promise to Ozzy to bring him final three. Albert made a douche bag move and didn't give Brandon the necklace back and Brandon got sent to Redemption. Forgot about that too.

Let's see what Brandon can do to get Ozzy out. Please do it Brandon.

Coach doesn't want to be made a fool of out here in Survivor - not this time. He's sick and tired of being lied to by Albert. Albert flat out said that he didn't think Brandon was going home today. Liar. He knew. He knew.

Ozzy bores me. I don't even want to type out what he says. He's annoying. He's comparable to Boston Rob. If Ozzy wins - they might as well have replayed last season.

We arrive at the dual. Awesome. They hold onto a pole for as long as they can. Could they have picked a more ridiculous challenge? Could they have geared this challenge more for Ozzy? That's all they did. They set it up for Ozzy to win. They bloody-well set it up. I hate this game. They should lay out, on line, the duals one by one before they happen. Like, at the beginning of the season they can say: Here are the duals for Redemption Island, 1, 2, 3...and then I wouldn't suspect any funny business. I can't be the only one. Forty minutes and Brandon is still up there. Awesome. Bullshit challenge for this dual. Bullshit I call bullshit. Not necessary, but I'll tell you - Ozzy won. Baby Hantz is going home. At some point this season he gained his own name. I think they finally decided that he deserved to be called by his first name and let go of the Russell connection.

Albert's going to have another chance at a game changing move. He could woo Ozzy. Oops, I was mistaken, when they interviewed him right after Ozzy came back he figured they all four will be voting for Ozzy for him to go home (Coach, Rick, Sophie, Albert). Coach took Ozzy aside and told him that he was going to save him. "I feel like you deserve to be in this game," Coach. What the fuck for? Because he's played before? Because he's had multiple chances to win? How is that fair? How? They should get rid of his ass after they punt Ozzy. Or maybe they should get Coach off first. I'm tired of seeing previous Survivors win this game. They had their shot. Let's get back to the old days when we got to meet new people playing this game. Why always "allstars"?

Balance and make a card house as challenge. Whoopi. These challenges might as well be taken from a hat labeled, "Challenges Ozzy can win". Sweet - Sophie has a book about how to make card houses. I hope she wins. Sophie ran out of tiles before she hit the win line. Coach's stack fell, Ozzy is in the lead, and Sophie had to change her strategy (she ran out of cards!). Thankfully, Ozzy ran out of pieces too. WHOA! Sophie is swearing at Albert to help her win. Then out of nowhere! NOWHERE, Jeff says that you can't help each other and it's an 'individual game' now. Sophie got too emotional about the game and now she's not going to win at all. It's going to be Ozzy. Ozzy or Coach.

I hate this game. It sucks this year. Totally fixed for Ozzy to have some crazy come back win. They did the same shit with Boston Rob.

Honestly, I don't even care if the end of it didn't record and I don't see who wins this game.

Coach, "Rick's got the best chance to win this game right now." Whatever. Unless they aren't showing us anything at all. Apparently he tells good stories. He's a hard worker and everyone loves him. Ozzy's trying to talk about Sophie going home. He's talking to Albert and he's the easiest person to sway period. Albert needs to go next, but everyone should want to take him to the end considering he's got zero chance. Now Rick wants to get rid of Sophie. Coach said, "I'd vote for Sophie." Rick asks, "Would you vote for me." Coach, "No." Liar. Albert needs to blow that information out there - Ozzy just told him that Coach gave him his word that he would take Ozzy to the finals. I think my character might be going home.

Jeff just asked Coach about why they should get rid of Ozzy. He skirted around the answer and then Ozzy told everyone that Coach said he was going to take him to the final three. Ozzy's a jerk. He made my person cry. He said she was a spoiled brat and that everyone felt that way about her. Ozzy's a douche bag and I don't care. He can be out there and shine as a jerk and make people cry he can handle this random stranger's opinion of him. Should you win Ozzy - you won because the TV executives need to bring up the ratings. Dink.

So, during the end of Tribal Counsel Sophie had a breakdown because she was really hurt by what Ozzy said about her. She was mostly hurt that he said everyone called her down and said she was spoiled. She cried and wished she didn't give off that impression of herself. She realized that what she once thought was a strength might be a weakness. She is brash and hard to get to know.

I wish Coach would have given his idol to Sophie.

WAHOOOOOOOhhhoooooo! Sophie has remainded in the game. Rick got voted out because Coach changed his mind. Nice try Coach. Trying to shake Rick's hand like he's a child or something. "Oh, I'm so sorry I voted you out." I imagine that's what Coach would say. I hope you beat Ozzy's ass Sophie! Win immunity so Ozzy goes home.

Hahahaha, maybe Coach will change his mind about taking Ozzy to the final. Tehee. I hope he doesn't win and Coach can change his mind about taking him to the end. Coach did ask Ozzy to not say anything about the plan. Ozzy just tried to burn him out there so that his tribe would go against him. Come on Coach, this is your chance to not take him to the end and win the game with people who deserve it at the end. Take Sophie and Albert. That would be fantastic. Coach might still win, but he would have shown that he remained loyal to the two people he had the closest relationships with. So, now Ozzy and Coach might make this a tie between Albert and Sophie. They're acting like A and S aren't even in contention to win. Fuck those two guys...I hope Sophie wins so bad.

Hasn't Ozzy been known for winning puzzle challenges? Guess he's just all around good at challenges.

Here's the LAST immunity challenge ever. They have to trapse through five different obstacles and collect five bags with puzzle pieces. Albert and Ozzy have two back. Sophie is getting tired. Ozzy back with three. Now he's back with four. Sophie has two finally. Coach has three and Sophie too. Albert with three. Ozzy has five and can work on the puzzle. Albert has four back. Coach back with five and can start on the puzzle and now Sophie. Please win Sophie. "Don't panic," Jeff...nice, solid advise. Sophie has her first piece and Ozzy is trying to cheat. Sophie has two and now three. There are eight total to get in. Ozzy has two pieces, now three. Sophie with four and now five. Why can OZZY cheat! Why aren't you calling him on it. Sophie has 7 and SHE WON! FUCK YA! I love this game all over again! Fuck you Ozzy. I mean that with all due respect.

Sophie just went back to camp and then talked about how she was surprised how easy it really was once she got the first piece. This is so sweet.

Ozzy is working Coach. He wants Coach to vote Albert out so that they can build a fire together. If Ozzy makes it to the final - he's going to win. I would vote for him just because Coach is such a dumb ass for taking him to final three. They are acting as if Sophie has no chance in this game at all. If they all go I hope Sophie is able to show that she played against two historical figures in this game of Survivor and beat them all in the end.

Three times each - Coach and Ozzy have had the chance to win. I hope neither one of them wins. Neither one. They are no more deserving than any of the others. Perhaps they are less than deserving. Coach about Ozzy on Redemption, "Coming back is almost impossible." There is at least one person coming back from Redemption. Someone would have come back. That's the point. Just because Ozzy won so many in a row doesn't mean he's more of a warrior. I think he played well, but I don't believe it makes him the better person. I hope Coach votes party line. I hope he sticks with Albert and Sophie. It's his best chance to win. OZZY IS GOING HOME. Hells ya. I love this game. I am again a fan. He did have the best exit - I'll give him that.

Sophie - She slayed the Dragon!

Oh dear...Coach or Sophie could win this. I don't think Albert has a chance, but I think they will all get a vote from someone on the jury. Coach made the right decision. The LOML will never watch Survivor again if Albert wins this.

Sophie is working on figuring out her emotional game. She wants to ensure she maintains her composure. She's going in logically and not emotionally. Albert is pretty sure he's played the best game of the three remaining. He wants to be sharper and more on his heels, not on his toes. Something like that. Coach thinks he's like the phoenix rising from the ashes of the dragon that went into the fire. Who will win? I'll be okay if Coach wins, but I'll be even more okay if Sophie wins. Coach kept his team fully together through to the end. He was a great leader and 'coach'.

Albert's last statement - "this is a social experiment...it's not about chess, it's about people..." he brought in God and how thankful he is for this opportunity.
Sophie - it's about outplaying and she held her own...she won three individual immunity...she did well for alliances...her strategy was to follow the alliance...she realized that her social game wasn't as strong as it could have been.
Coach - Redemption was built for Ozzy. He's talking about his past games. He lead with compassion, appreciation, and respect. He recognized he was a leader. He worked with everyone around him and he was happy to have been replenished 10 fold by opening up to others and sharing personally in the game.

Coach wins for the statement. Sophie comes in second for breaking down her game and strategy. Albert didn't even make the top three for me.

Now to the jury questions/statement/whining:
Ozzy - First he said that NO one wanted to vote for any of them. He was all cute with his Pippy Longstocking braids. He proceeded to slam Sophie and called her down and try to make her feel like shit. He felt that Albert didn't do anything to get there. He thought that Coach didn't deserve it because he didn't take him to the end. Ozzy is just a douche bag. Coach played with the TWO people at the end and that was his strongest alliance. Coach answered that he played mostly honourable, but he was not honest all the time.
Jim - wants to know why Albert thinks Coach and Sophie do not deserve to win. Albert thinks him and Sophie carried Coach and that Sophie did not play a social game.
Dawn - What was your strategy Sophie? Sophie said she wished she could be a man to take two young women to the end...she felt that Coach was like a young woman because he would be loyal. She really liked Albert because he enjoyed talking strategy and so did she.
Rick - his feelings are hurt and really what was Sophie supposed to do? He was complaining that he got voted out when he ended up trying to vote her out. Maybe he was upset because he tried to get her to try and vote out Albert and she didn't go for it so he had to try and get her out. I don't know. I think they leave a lot out during the editing process. Should she have voted for herself? What were her options. She had a stronger alliance with Coach and with Albert - this was clear to the audience. It was between her and him - then he calls her a liar. I don't think that was fair.
Now it's Brandon's turn - He addresses Coach first - "You were a man of god and you would never vote me out of the game. Do you have anything to say to me?" Coach said that he knows he is hurt and then Brandon forgave him. He then asked Albert how he feels about using God to get to the final three. Brandon thought he didn't use god to get there. Brandon asked him if he know that he was being sent to Redemption and chose to not give back the individual immunity - Albert kept trying to give more than a one word answer. Brandon kept saying, "YES or NO. YES or NO." Albert said something like, "no not really..." he should have been honest.
What's her name even? I think it might be Whitney...she didn't have anything good to say to Albert or Coach. Then she got to Sophie - she felt it would be hard to write her name down because she took no time to get to know anyone. Sophie did say that she's very blunt and intimidating - she would like to work on her weakness and work on her character.
Edna - "...the inherent ingredient (in Survivor) is manipulation." She felt that religion was used in the best way because religion is the best way to manipulate and "dupe" people. She didn't slam anyone. That was good. She reminded the rest of the jury that they shouldn't be so upset with the three up there because they all allowed it to happen that way.
Keith - who are you again? He asked Coach if he was going to use the immunity idol as a team or would he have kept the idol hidden. Coach, Sophie, and Albert were able to agree that it was a team idol. When they were at the six/six tie for voting, Coach was going to let someone on his team use it if they thought they needed to.
OMG - Sophie totally put the information out there about Brandon not knowing when the idol was hidden. Coach's time is over now! She said that her and Coach sent Brandon out there to search for an idol that they already knew was found! That was hilarious.
Cochran - he really likes Coach. He was pretty happy and believed he was going to the final three with Coach. He liked the game. He then decided that he didn't like the word honour anymore. He said that Coach says it so often he doesn't even know what honour means anymore. Coach just said that he wanted to play the game well. He wanted to keep everyone happy. He realizes now that his game wasn't that great. Coach doesn't play a really great strategy game - Sophie said that she did the strategizing and then Albert piped in. Really - they did do the strategy...but Coach kind of orchestrated it all. I mean, okay, the maestro conducts the orchestra, but the individuals play the game...where was Coach...was he in the orchestra or was he the maestro? I'm not sure anymore. I think Sophie might have been the strategist and maestro.

Reading the VOTES: Coach, Sophie, Coach, Sophie, Coach, Sophie, Sophie, SOPHIE! Holy shit! I won, I won, I won! I mean, Sophie won. :) Sweet.

At the end Sophie spoke about the slamming of her character and I'm really happy with her response: She spoke about how she was a girl scout and her entire life she was taught to be confident and she wasn't going to apologize for it now. I'm glad she said that. She's right, you know? She is a confident woman and she was expected to feel badly about who she is? Good for you, Sophie.

So, we got the first part of the finale show where they figure who wins, but we missed the part where Russell speaks and they show who wins the 100K. I heard that Russell was super mean to his nephew and Brandon recognized that his family is mean and he has God - so all is good. And DB, Ozzy got it. I would have picked Cochran. Cochran or Coach.

I ate a McChicken Sandwich.

2011-11-18T01:13:00.000-08:00

...and it was fucking delicious. I know...vulgar statement all around. Not only did I consume "the taint" contaminating my car, I also dropped an "F" bomb. Perhaps this combination of nasty makes for something somewhat palatable? I could be stretching it.

Interesting observation - I am doing the exercising, eating healthier (for the most part...don't judge - judgy-judgerson), and trying to be present - HOWEVER - when I pulled up to the Tim Horton's drive-thru I was present enough to notice I was throwing away THREE (3) take-away bags from McD's and all that remained inside was McShame. McShame I tell you. What did I do? I tossed the bags and wondered what the person behind me was thinking and 'how dare they judge me' thoughts came to mind. What else did I do? Tonight after the CLiFF (labour film festival) and after a long overdue coffee date with my friend and then after getting gas and milk...I pulled into McD's and ordered a McChicken sandwich. I was "hungry". You know what I mean? The, 'I really didn't eat timely today so I'm going to eat shit food' kind of hungry. I loved every bite of that McShame. I always get onions, pickles, and tomato added. Delish.

I wonder what my lesson is here. Am I not eating enough? I'm eating throughout the day...I start with a protein shake, breakfast a bit later (eggs/oatmeal), lunch, snack (yoghurt/protein bar/fruit), and then dinner. And sometimes I have ice cream - mint chocolate chip - okay...honestly, I typed those words Mint Chocolate Chip and I had a daydream. I paused and fantasized about how much I love it. It's so good. It is really good...I'm not kidding.

Maybe I should eat a little more ... I get the good stuff...veggies, protein, dairy, fruit and I exercise and then I think it should be fine if I have those extra foods. I suppose there is nothing wrong with me doing this. I will keep better control over the McCrap cravings. I should have just had a protein bar from the backseat of my car. That's what they are there for - in case the cravings hit. At least there is something fuel worthy in them. :) So, the observation I suppose is me acknowledging that I can still be healthy and at times indulge - but I need to keep myself in check and recognize when and why I'm craving when I do.

Time for bed.

Cochran is in for the win! Survivor 23 South Pacific

2011-11-09T18:54:00.000-08:00

I can't wait to watch this week. I'm so nervous for Cochran. I don't know why he's my favourite. I mean, if Coach were more consistent in his behaviour I think he would be my fav. Is it fair though that I judge him based on some of his flaws? Does that not make him the man he is? I should love all of him and just come out already as a huge Coach fan. Coach and Cochran just like CC. Canadian Club. Coincidence?

I wonder what will happen with the little one and if his name will change to Cockroach? What do you think?

Oooohhh Ozzy pulls Cochran off to the side alone to talk. Ozzy feels that he was totally screwed over. Brandon is over there ensuring that no one is going to be aggressive with him because he is afraid. LOL. I can't stand Ozzy..."you just stabbed me in the back so hard". Whatever. "That's how a wiener plays." Jim is an asshole! He said that he was a poor excuse for a man. Whatever dink-face. Whitney saved him? Really? Her true colours are showing now. "You have a lot to learn buddy, you disgust me." I can't believe they all just spanked him there and humiliated him one after the other. Rick put his arm around Cochran and let him know it's alright. Jim's a douche bag - I hope he's the next to go.

I mean, okay, they are all skeered because they felt they were solid until the final five...they were getting rid of Cochran as soon as they had the numbers to sacrifice him. I'm glad he stood up to the "cool kid" bully club.

Coach is happy and feels more grounded and confident - humble but not weak, and not arrogant. He did his Thai Chi.

Ozzy's strategy? Keep winning until there is no one left. I hope that doesn't work for you, Ozzy. Sorry.

Tossing coconuts...first four move on to crack open four...take the milk and fill up a tube after running through an obstacle course.

Dawn needs three more...she got the first one. Sophie, Jim, and Whitney. Ozzy's strategy hasn't worked out.

Sophie is tough...her and Dawn made it through first with the milk. I hope Sophie wins!!! Jim is pulling ahead, but they are so close! I want Sophie to win because she's my person in the work pool. Sophie was almost throwin gup and she's OH NO - she threw up! Shit! She would have won. Jim's going to win it. I hate that Jim won. I was really hoping that he was going to hit the road. Cochran wanted him voted out next and they were willing to take him out.

Awesome, they showed a turtle flying through the ocean. Super awesome.

They are voting out OZZY! Or so they say. Now Ozzy is appealing to Coach's sentimental side. He is giving the fakeness some credence and he appreciates it. He did say that it is "too little too late."

Dawn is nearly prepared to go down in flames with her original Savaii Tribe or she might flip.

Fuck you Jim and Whitney. He apparently has a an idea. He is going to give Ozzy the necklace/immunity. I hope Jim's ass ends up getting voted out. He knows he doesn't have a long time there anyhow and he said they only need two people to flip from the other side and they might have a chance.

Okay, I had to take a bit of a break because I was eating the most delicious fucking pizza in the world. It's Donair Pizza from Tony's.

Okay, they are all sticking together with Cochran! Jim is trying to appeal to the Warrior in Coach and then Jeff asked him if he was going to switch it up and get rid of Cochran and what change would that make to the game...Coach said that if they voted out Cochran all they would be proving is that if you stick up for yourself you get screwed! Right on! Brandon even said that they were sticking with Cochran and that was that - period. I sincerely hope this is accurate. They keep panning between Sophie and Albert and if they switch I swear to GOD. I swear to GOD I will bitch slap them both. Hard. Verbally in this blog.
I don't have to - they followed through with the right thing to do. So, Ozzy thinks he's going to win every redemption challenge and then win the game for good. I am even going to salute you Dawn - You voted proper.

Ozzy caught the biggest fucking fish in the world at redemption. They are going to be strong. I kind of hope Keith wins now.

Cochran was being cute and wearing Coach's dress coat and Rick's cowboy hat. It was really cute. I see why he does that as well. He is trying to appeal to their egos. Good, smart, man.

Ya, another immunity challenge. Stand on narrow beam and balance a ball on a wooden bow. I think Dawn will win. Oooh! Confidence offers you the chance to mange. They get pastries and ice coffee. Coach wants to compete today. Jim, Dawn, and Whitney are competing. Solidarity forever Bitches - they are eating. I don't know if I could have sat out and ate the sweets.

Jim lost in a heartbeat! LOL - Jeff, "Jim has no chance to win immunity." Jim - "I KNOW" and he moves to his seat.

Dawn and Whitney are left. Dawn is like near throwing up and she recovered from it. Dawn could not hold on anymore and Whitney won. I thought for sure Dawn would win.

Keith was not happy with how inclusive they were being with Dawn during the challenge and he would "like to nip it in the bud" right now. Not too sure what he means by that...perhaps just vote her out. He has been strategizing to get her out. He thinks she's really strong. Jim thought it would be fun to get rid of Edna, but Keith is not interested in getting them out.

Brandon is not sure what to say - he gets it in his head that someone is going home and then he is mean towards them. I understand why he does that - it's a good distancing technique. Whitney is crying because she doesn't feel like she is a bully and a mean person, but she had no qualms about putting down Cochran and calling him names. So - if that's what you are feeling poorly about get over it...apologize but don't minimize your role in how the majority are voting.

OMG Coach has a rosary. See, I like that. If I knew both the necessary prayers I might find meditative qualities in doing it. Edna got three votes. Jim is now with three votes. Four for Jim, five, and seventh person voted out of Survivor South Pacific - Jim. I wonder what Brandon was going on about then with respect to Dawn.

Next week they show Coach threatening anyone who goes against the family. Albert is the one he is alluding to. I'm sure of it.

OMG - picked on kid's nightmare. Survivor 23

2011-11-02T19:47:00.000-07:00

After Coach's sermon of last week - god how annoying was that? Does he really think he's a preacher? I can't get past it. I really wanted to blog about it...okay, pause...I enjoyed the episode and had fun laughing about it with a friend of mine via text, but then I got caught up in school work and Yukon Employees' Union Convention (Friday, Saturday, and Sunday) and then I had to work night shift Monday and Tuesday.
Anyhow, excuses aside - Christine kicked ? out. Ozzy got super pissed and punched at the wall and kicked and cried about the whole thing. So, he ended up giving Cochran his idol and said that they needed to vote him out so that he could beat Christine on redemption island because he's so awesome. I hope she kicks his ass.

Right now it's going to happen. Cochran really fucked up the immunity challenge and so I thought he was totally going to redemption island. They might end up going to the merge very soon and they are at risk of being less in numbers...that's why Ozzy went.

Cochran is supposed to be a double agent - he said he already is good at acting because he doesn't really like his tribe - however, then he tried to do a Pachino accent and it sucked. No offence...Cochran is probably my favourite character on this season.

I can't remember who got voted out last week. I wish they would just say already.

Ozzy is, to quote a friend, a "dough head". I hope Christine doesn't believe the story he's telling - they as a team decided that Cochran was supposed to be getting voted out and then he pulled out the idol and Ozzy ended up getting sent to redemption. Douche. I hope she kicks his ass.

Everyone is at the Redemption Island arena...I think they'll merge. Ozzy can't act for shit. He's trying to play it up...Albert doesn't buy it and neither does Coach.

Please Christine! Please win this dual. Ozzy still has red on his shirt...over his heart. They are takin gtheir spots. This is so exciting. EEEEEEEE. Someone will get back in the game after this challenge. They have to build a pole to reach over and grab a key.

Christine tries first...not strong enough. Ozzy trying...it dropped (the key ring). Ozzy gets his first key. He needs two more. Now he has the second key. He needs only one more. Now he has all three and Christine has none. FUCK. He won the dual and Christine is going home. That blows. What a dick.

Are they merging or what? Yes they are. The buffs are dropped and the new colour is....they didn't show what the new colour is...unless they are grey like the colour in the bag...nope...they are yellow. Food and wine for merging. 6-6 for numbers for both teams. Cochran and Coach are bonding. He's really just going to try and get Keith out I think. Coach told him straight up that he thinks they are trying to play their entire tribe...Cochran got schooled by the COACH - biatch. Cochran thinks Coach is a smart guy. What the hell was Cochran sitting in? It looked like a hive or something. Cochran totally told the other tribe what happened for real. That Ozzy had a dream about winning redemption. Cochran totally fits in with the Upolo tribe. He ended up giving Ozzy back the idol so he could be honest about that. He's going to betray his other tribe and he's happy that he has the power to determine possibly the outcome of the game. I knew he had it in him to be the one running the show. He's awesome. Cochran I salute you.

Dawn...Cochran and Dawn are having a conversation. I think the two of them will merge together with the other tribe and get rid of everyone else. She saw Cochran get treated poorly and not as an equal member of the tribe. She doesn't want to stay with their old tribe because the others are really much nicer. She's crying because she didn't stand up for Cochran and she feels bad about trying to protect her own interests...she feels so bad about that. I get it. What an interesting psychological perspective in this game. Maybe I'll write a paper about it. If Cochran can write a paper in law school...I probably can for psychology...or even just for fun...hmmm....I wonder if it is already out there. She's going to side with the other tribe. They are nicer people. They really are.

New Tribe Name: Tuna something...Te Tuna? Now we are up for individual immunity. Two people get it. One man and one woman - have they done this before?

Challenge: Balance game...balancing themselves and holding a double rope thing with a coconut on top. Who has good balance...my money is on Dawn. Edna and Cochran are out quickly. Maybe the dragon slayer will get it. Whitney didn't make it very far. Two women left - Sophie and Dawn...Dawn wins immunity for the women. Keith will probably win for the men...Coach is now out. Rick - the ranger - is now out. Jim - the dealer - is out and now Keith. Ozzy and Brandon and Albert are left. Ozzy will get it...he's a surfer so he has balance. Brandon is out. Keith is out. I wish he would have won. Ozzy got immunity with Dawn - both from the same original tribe. I think Keith will get sent out to redemption.

They are talking about voting out Sophie. I think they are only picking her because she's not the super pretty girl. Now they are questioning whether or not they are all solid...if they are all solid they might have to pick rocks because there will be six/six. Jim is a douche bag. He figures Ozzy should give Whitney the idol...I don't know...

Cochran is scared he's going to get beaten up because he's flipping on his tribe - Sophie, "which is a legitimate things for a dodgeball target to be scared of." Coach said he's sleeping between Edna and Coach or he can sleep next to Sophie if he wants to. "The nerd will finally rise up to the bully." Awesome. I can't wait...it's going to be HAWESOME. Dawn is now not too sure what to do. I think Cochran is freaking out about it. She doesn't want to start a war. I don't get it. She was making so much sense and now she's scared. I think he should flip - they won't give Cochran a million dollars even if he does not flip. So, now that she has the idol around her neck she's comfortable. She doesn't think he should flip, but she's not telling anybody else on their tribe. Whoa...what's going to happen?

Tribal Council - what's going to happen...it will be a six and six tie. Jeff brings up the possibility of a switch. What a boring tribal tonight. Sweet - Sophie said she was offended that they thought they would be so stupid. She even said that they were pathetic. Ozzy said that the idol is in hand and it belongs to the entire tribe. The LOML thinks Cochran will jump ship (unless of course he changes his mind). He gave the idol to Whitney. The votes are turning up for Keith...AHHHH - 6 votes for Keith and then RICK. Why are they doggin on Rick? Cochran did not jump ship. I wonder if he will change his vote now. They can only vote for Rick or Keith. YES! He did jump ship. Awesome - so awesome. He got a little scared after and Jim called him a Coward. Brandon stood up for HIM! Yes! "Don't talk to him like that! That's what you get for talking to people like that." Brandon is going to stick up for him. OMG I hope this doesn't back fire too badly. They were showing that Albert and Sophie might switch up the game even more. I feel a little sick to my stomach about the whole thing.

Survivor South Pacific Week 4

2011-10-10T18:31:00.000-07:00

Christine survived another round! She will be here again next week. She had to take out poor old Papa Bear. I was kind of hoping that he'd be around for a few more weeks, but guess I'll get over it as soon as next week's episode starts with Christine trying to oust Stacey.

I don't know, I think they might be on pretty equal footing. Stacey and Christine were friends and all...so I don't know what it's going to look like.

What happened this week? I watched it and was going to watch it a second time when the satellite went out. Fucking satellite. It is only television though, right?

What happened, what happened? Hmmm...okay, Cochran and Jim were trying to mastermind a plan to get Elyse gone so that Ozzy maybe will start to feel a little bit uncomfortable in his situation. They didn't get a chance to try and pull it off because during the challenge, DAWN kicked some serious ass. She is super tough. It was down to her and Stacey. They were tasked with holding a bar across their backs and then 10 pound sand bags were added to each end at different intervals. The opposite teams decided who would get the weight added to their arms. I think it was Stacey, L'il Hantz, Jim, Dawn, and two others. There was Keith (he lost first I think) and I can't remember who else was there. Either way, it ended up being Stacey and Dawn for the finish and Dawn was just able to hold on just a little bit longer.

For some strange reason everyone on Ozzy's team got bathing suits. I think it might have been on account of Dawn not going into the water in just her bra and underwear. She said that she is a mormon and she was not comfortable. One of the last mormons they had on the show was a bit of a nudist so I never even thought about it. I think it did give explanation to some of the goings on in Survivor though. They didn't let them bring suits because they were hoping that they would all just be comfortable in their skivvys. Good for you Dawn. However, in a real life survival situation you wouldn't have anything but the clothes on your back...in which case if they are going to get fire and canteens right from the get go, they might as well get bathing suits.

What else of significance happened this week on Survivor? Brandon is still annoying. Coach pissed me off at the end when he tried to give Stacey a hug after he encouraged the entire tribe to vote her out. I think Edna should have gone personally. They were showing how much she annoys everyone with all of her chatter. Coach even told Stacey that it wasn't certain who it was going to be. He was all offended that she didn't want to hug him...what a douche bag.

Otherwise, TV hasn't been too much missed. We just downloaded all the shows we missed: Dexter, Breaking Bad, and (for the LOML not for me) Desperate Housewives.

Survivor 23 - Week 3 - LATER Semhar

2011-09-28T23:04:00.000-07:00

I'm so glad she's gone! Thanks Christine! I hope you make a long, long way. You deserve good things for beating out Semhar. Have you ever seen anyone so happy to be knocked out of the game of Survivor? I thought I might be the only one getting annoyed with her repeating her poetry...but even Mr. Probst (Jeff) was rolling his eyes. She did a complete rendition of her poem that I had on here a few weeks ago...I wanted to like it - I really wanted to like that poem. I wanted to like it so much I even said I liked it initially. I listened to it once more and thought...weird...there's a line in her poem where she says she doesn't care if he calls her "Shelley" because that's his mother's name and he loves her as he loves me." I thought...didn't you think about that first...? Little creepy.

Anyhow, I jump ahead of myself...before that Mikayla was trying to figure out what was going on. Brandon was so upset with himself for being like his Uncle Russell and he wanted to be a hero and he told a blatant lie...he says, "I reap what I sow, man." He loves God and Jesus Christ. That's great. Stop talking all the should game and just do (I got that from the LOML sitting here beside me during the episode).

Treemail let everyone know that two people from each tribe can go to see the Redemption Island battle. Coach asked if he could go and Stacey said she would like to go also. So, those two went from Upolu and from Savaii - Ozzy and Elyse.

As I've already stated - SEMHAR GOES HOME! She leaves a nice warm sweater for Christine - very nice move. She was so annoying...she started talking about how she felt abandoned and much like her life she has had to move around a lot. I am sure she has a really interesting and sad story...but it's Survivor and I'm happy Christine is sticking around a little bit longer. I am watching this a second time and I was so happy I could forward past the poem. I can't believe they gave her that air time. Oh well, that's probably all she really wanted. I did add to her youtube hits...I'm sure I'm not the only one. I was a little worried Christine would drop her totem, but she did not. They were holding a totem on top of a platform with a skinny stick...they would add sections after a certain amount of time and it would have been really easy to lose this challenge. I think they both tried.

L'il Hantz came clean about his relationship to Russell. Mikayla cracks me up, "You say you don't wanna lie, but you keep doing it." She didn't say that directly to him, but she should have. Coach is still on his side and wants to keep him around.

Papa Bear is on the outs with Dawn and Cochran. Ozzy came back with a nice fish. He thinks he and Keith have a brother thing going on and so he told Keith about the hidden idol and within minutes Keith told Whitney. For some reason after he told Whitney, she was rocking him back and forth on the hammock. Why? Do they have a showmance happening? That word needs to be added to Webster's Dictionary - Showmance. All she needs now is a palm frond.

Mikayla calls out Brandon and she wants to know why? She wants to know why he wants her out and why she couldn't talk to her about it. He thinks she has an attitude. He then says he's trying to apologize to her when he just got done telling her he doesn't like her. He calls the entire group over to have a conversation. He's such a dink. He points out that she doesn't have an alliance and no one said one word. What a douche bag. Brandon, you are a douche bag. You really are. And you know what? She ended up going off on her own and crying. No one followed her and no one talked to her or tried to consol her. I am not happy with the rest of the tribe either. Sophie believes him to be a devious jerk - it's in his blood line. Brandon doesn't think he should have lost his temper, but he did and it was awful. He was lying there next to fire getting covered in ashes. Maybe he will rise like that phoenix...I doubt it.

Coach notes that the aggression differs from Russell's, but it is still aggression nonetheless.

For the challenge they win comfort food (coffee, cookies, sugar). They have to race along a floating bridge with a body board...collect a banner in a bag...bring it back and then some other tribe members will take a grappling hook and bring all five banner bags up to the platform...once they get them all they have to organize how they are hanging to show a picture of their tribe totem type thing....It wasn't very exciting.

Sophie is strong like bull! I love it. Papa Bear couldn't keep up...they have to real in the people on the body board after they collected the banner bag. Dawn showed lots of strength in this challenge. Brandon gave a shout out to God on his way back on the boogie board...finger point straight to the sky. :)

When Savaii got back to camp, they were sure they were going to vote out Papa Bear...it ended up being between him and Cochran. Papa Bear went for a run into the trees and tried to trick the others into believing he found the idol. Jim sort of believed him. It didn't end up helping him much, he still got voted out in the end. I believe he made some really important comments during tribal to set the stage for something pretty interesting. He mentioned to Dawn that she's in the group of three with him and Cochran and that's okay...it's Jim and the other four that should worry because they won't make it past that five mark. At least the three know where they stand in the grand scheme of things. When they showed the scenes for next week something interesting is going to come about between Jim and Cochran. I hope it's good. I hope the underdogs come together and make something cool happen. I don't know if Jim knows it or not...but he's really not part of the cool kid group...he's there simply because he's not old and he's not super nerdy. The other four are together because they are all carbon copies of each other. Cochran also pointed out the searching for a (I never know if I should use a or an before an H...see) hidden immunity idol really doesn't prove loyalty for a tribe and group cohesiveness.

Overall, this episode wasn't great. I guess it will start getting better soon. I'm hopeful for next week. :)

Favourite Quote thingy from this week: "Nervous neurotic scrambler" = Cochran...haha...okay, he doesn't want to be that guy...I think he held it together this week.

Silly Zazen - just keep at it.

2011-09-23T20:12:00.000-07:00

After sitting through my annoyance of 'no teacher' I finally picked up the book, "Zen Mind Beginner's Mind" again. I read the best chapter and regained confidence in my practice. I don't know if confidence is the right word or not. I read last night something along the lines of not giving up if you don't have a teacher. Something about when you work out there are difficult points to it and you have to work through it - that means it's working. I have had the opportunity to recognize the weakness in my practice. He wrote about that too.

So, in the spirit of Charlie Brown and Lucy...I will continue to hold up the football for myself and run at it as quickly as possible with as much intention of hitting it through the hole in the ozone...and each time the ball gets moved away just before I hit it...I'll smile and try for it again. And then I might realize that I need to lose the expectations and just sit. :)

Okay, so I've been thinking about the whole Lucy duping Charlie Brown every time she holds up that damn football. I'm starting to think she's that nasty Zen Master whacking him with a stick every time he sits wrong or being non-pulsed when he shares some "amazing" thought discovered while pondering all of the little nuggets gleaned while being "open" to it all. Maybe there's a book deal out there for someone - unless it's already out there...you know, like the "Tao of Pooh" book...there could be one comparing the Peanuts characters to the teachings of Zen. ? Who knows...?

Ruffles Onion Dip and Survivor 23

2011-09-23T20:00:00.000-07:00

This week we find out if Semhar is going to have more fodder for her poetry by getting punted out. Maybe she could write a poem about Ruffles Onion Dip. It's so good.

Upolu won immunity last week and Semhar got set to the island by the Savaii tribe. Cochran is going to have to step it up so that he doesn't get sent there next. It would truly suck if he lost to Semhar.

Oh dear lord...she whining and crying about how she gave her team her all and they sent her away, "figures" she says. What does that mean? She has abandonment issues and doesn't understand how people can be so mean. Hahahaha! You are on Survivor. Now she's repeating her poetry...dear lord. "I don't miss you, I miss feeling loved." Wow.

Cochran doesn't want to be the antsy, paranoid, nerd kid that he has been. He wants to be cool and collected. We shall see. Ozzy identifies with his passion. Could he sound more like a pot-head? I'm just wondering, dude. Ut oh, Ozzy and the tall skinny dude (Keith) are making plans and they want to bring Jimmy into the mix. Teehee, they could be Jimmy (hendrix), Bob (marley), and Keith (richards).

Upolu Tribe: Coach is working Edna. He is her friend and not in the alliance. He is wondering if anyone found the idol. Edna is alligning herself with Coach because he's strong and she's one of the smallest females. Now he feels that he needs to protect her. Christine might have the idol. Who knows?

Savaii Tribe: Cochran is cutting coconuts without being asked to do so. His mother is super protective and she doesn't want him to be using a matchette without supervision. Haha.

Ozzy is "fishing" for the idol. He's climbing trees...he's so good at that. I think he's going to find it. He found this massive tangle of vines and roots and there it was. He found it without the silly written clue. He found another hiding place up high in a tree and he may be the only person who can climb it.

Back at Upolu: L'il Hantz and Coach are chatting. He believes Coach has honour and integrity. Now he's being very ungodly not telling him that he is Russell's nephew. So, now he's going to tell him. Coach is silly. So, Brandon shows him his tattoo with Hantz written on it..."Uh, that's not your last name is it?" Now, Coach is scared because he doesn't want to get voted out by Brandon like Russell voted him out. L'il Hantz is going to be a man of his word and he's going to play "like a man of God." Now they are praying. Awesome. They are continuing to bring religion into this game. I wonder if that many people, statistically speaking (like out of 18 people), in the USA are that religious. Maybe they are. I have no idea.

Off to Savaii: Elyse is praying to her ancestors to help her figure out how to catch fish. The men went out and the women were on the beach. I'm not sure where Cochran is. Jim, Keith, Ozzy, Elyse, and Whitney. Jim wants those five to make it to the end. So, they are going to kick out Papa Bear, Cochran, and Dawn just because they aren't part of the cool crew. I hope the outcasts step it up...but in true Survivor history, they probably won't.

Blue Tribe: Mikayla, Albert, and L'il Hantz are going fishing. Mikayla is pretty tough. Brandon doesn't like her and even when he talks about her his voice shakes and he feels that she is using her "seductive ways" to get people drawn in. "Being a married man, I have to stay away from that stuff." So, he doesn't want her in the game because he can't control his urges? He wants to blame her instead of admitting his own urges? Oh ya, that's right - being a married man and all he couldn't possibly have those sorts of thoughts about another person.

Christine doesn't have the idol, but she's still looking. She didn't find the idol but she did find the clue to find the idol.

The Challenge:

Upon arrival, all of Upolu were eating delicious fruit. They are showing up the other tribe that they eat together, they are strong and they will stick together and win together. We shall see.

They are doing this may pole type thing for keys and then they have to move a bunch of crates around until they get the winning crate to the right spot. They are getting a reward of comfort - pillows, blankets, a hammock. Oh yes, and immunity.

Edna is sitting out for the Upolu Tribe.

Let's go! Savaii is having trouble right off the bat. Cochran is the target messer upper.

Upolu made it through and Stacey is unlocking the tribe. They are working the puzzle now! Upolu is taking their time and Savaii is flying through the puzzle. Blue team has to step it up. They have lost their lead I think. Or at least that's what Jeff is saying and seeing as he knows how to win the challenge, he's probably right. Savaii just overtook the other tribe. Savaii won immunity and reward. Huge come back victory. I wonder who the blue team will send away. I kind of hope it's Mikayala so she can kick Semhar's butt.

Yummy! We are having Ruffel's Onion chip dip and regular Lays ripple chips. So good.

3 for Christine, 3 for Stacey, and I'm not sure who else they are going to vote for...I think they will be voting for Mikayla because L'il Brandon has a wife and family and he feels uncomfortable. Coach believes that Brandon has demons that he is facing on a daily basis. He's threatened by her because she's a strong woman and so Sophie is worried because she's strong too...well, I don't think you make him as nervous. HAHAHAHAHA! Coach just asked Mikayla to step away from their conversation. "They think I'm not trusable," Mikayla said. Edna can't lie. Christine was asking her about what was going on. So, L'il Hantz is pushing for Mikayla. No one understands his logic.

So, he's all fricken paranoid...she's not flirting with anyone and Brandon is being a dink. I think he needs to get sent to Redemption and he needs to get beat out of the game by Semhar. Let's see what transpires. I think Brandon is a dangerous person. He's trying to protect himself by keeping everyone away instead of dealing with his "demons" as Coach puts it. He turns people into demons to be battled, but really...look to yourself, Brandon. Mikayla's "seductive powers" are your own projections.

Coach is being made a fool...he's trying to turn Christine and Stacey against Mikayla. But they didn't bring her name up at all. Jeff is trying to clear things up. Now, Coach won't say who told him the information. So, he's showing loyalty by not saying anything. Mikayla wants to know if Stacey or Christine are voting her out. So, Brandon puts his hand up and comes clean about his information sharing for getting rid of Mikayla. Albert is pretty much calling out Brandon and his character and his personality shining through...something along those lines. I don't know who will get sent to Redemption today. And Jeff keeps saying that they are going home...they aren't going home they are going to redemption island. Christine does not play the hidden idol. I don't think she has it. Who voted for SOPHIE? Oh no you didn't! Leave her alone. Stacey, Edna, Christine, and Sophie all got one vote and then two for Stacey and three for Christine. And now three for Stacey...one vote left. Christine is off to Redemption Island. No one voted for Mikayla.

Next week on Survivor...I think Brandon is losing it. Stacey voted for Sophie. I hope she's next to go.

Survivor quote of the week? "I don't know what his problem was, but he's a tool." Christine in reference to Coach. Awesome.

Here are your Survivors!
Blue Team - Upolu Tribe
COACH!
Stacey
Sophie
Rick "the Rancher"
Mikayla
Edna
Christine
Brandon Hantz
Albert

Red Team - Savaii Tribe
OZZY!
Whitney
Semhar
Papa Bear
Keith
Cochran
Jim
Elyse
Dawn

Slacking on Sitting AKA: Zero Zazen

2011-09-18T01:42:00.000-07:00

I'm living in a bit of self-deprecation just because. I know it's silly. I know it, yet I persevere. I have slacked in sitting over the past week or two. I have a hard time following the standard accepted week now that I'm working shift work with 4.5 days off in a row. I work 2 day shifts, off for 24 hours, and then work 2 night shifts. This rotation will be as it is until the end of time as I know it. I follow my weeks in this pattern. So, it might be more like 10 days. There may have only been about three days in there where I did not sit at all in a 24 hour period.
I miss it.
I avoid it.
I dread it.
I fantasize about what it could be like with a physically present teacher.
I long to experience sitting with a group of people.
I can't do that here in Whitehorse.
I choose to not set this up here in Whitehorse.
I reminisce about historical times I sat.
There is no past.
There is no future.
I am making the choice to not sit Zazen, so instead to sit in avoidance. Awesome. "What are you doing that for?" you might ask. I propose this excuse (copied and pasted from Brad Warner's blog):
"As Shunryu Suzuki said in 1962:
"If you want to meditate you must have (the) instruction of (the) right teacher, especially when you want to meditate at home. It will take at least six months before you get your own right posture. Everyone has their own right posture but without instructions you cannot find it. For it to be your true posture, there must be (the) spirit which is called (the) Essence of Mind. Without spirit it cannot be your own. So we say, 'When you become yourself then Zen becomes Zen.'"''
So what am I left to do? Do I just continue to sit and then see what happens? I am pretty certain I'm excuse making. I am working full-time. I'm taking two university courses and the time dedicated to these courses is about what I was spending on thinking about Buddhism, sitting, and reading about it put together. I'm still working out with weights every other day and running when I can and walking when the running's not working. I guess I'm running out of time to do some things. I guess I'm using the time I have to excuse make. Really...ten minutes of sitting only takes 10 minutes. I suppose another excuse might be this:
I am not reading the Buddhist literature as I was before my courses started. Taking that time to read from various teachers (Brad, Shunryu, various others in "the book of mu", etc...) was really integral. I would contemplate what would resonate most with me from those books during that sitting time. I can't really tell you what I think of when I sit at home now...you know when I do sit.

Last words: I'm going to take the time if I really want to continue this practice. If I choose to not take the time to sit (even just 15 minutes twice a day) I choose to not take the time. There are no excuses. There are no reasons to not sit. I have to own my choices.

You slay me Dragon Slayer - Survivor 23: South Pacific

2011-09-16T13:35:00.000-07:00

Oh HAIR no.

Oh yes! Another season - Coach, my muse, my love to hate to love of you is inexplicable...know what I mean? :) Coach is back and I am happy. He's going to try to not be so self-righteous and judgemental of others this season. Good luck, Coach. I can see you have done a lot of personal work (finger point to me - self righteous, judgemental one) and are also working on the confidence.

The tribes meet and are introduced to Coach and Ozzy. No one wanted Coach to be on their team, but everyone wanted Ozzy.

Oh - it's Redemption Island again. Sweet.

Why is Russell's nephew even here? He's 19 and says that he's not going to reveal his relationship to Russell...he won't be able to take his shirt off - he has two different tattoos with Hantz in them.

One point - did anyone else notice the entire blue tribe is wearing all dark clothing?

Cochran - he LOVES this game. He is a Harvard, pale-skinned boy who has no shame in expressing his emotions and being open and honest. I don't know if he does this because he can't hold back or if he really is as awesome as I think he is.

When Coach and Ozzy got their paint-filled eggs to smash...Coach was really hesitant to get his fancy shirt stained and seemed like he didn't want to get dirty. Ozzy was all - YA, SMASH EGG SMASH OVER MY HEART. MY HEART IS IN THIS GAME WITH THIS TEAM. MY LOVE. He ended up rubbing it in his hair and ran to his tribe with open arms.

Poor Coach was nearly repelled away like magnet ends of the same polarity.

Coach and Ozzy had to compete in a challenge to win their tribes fire and taro (potatoes). Ozzy won in the end with the clear direction of his tribe and keeping his cool. I didn't get the puzzle instructions and neither did the boys...they had to be told how to do it numerous times. It was really funny when the challenge started - okay, I'm sure it was all sentimental and meaningful, but they did a prayer to the heavens and centring of self - only worked for Ozzy though.

I was wrong before about Ozzy's hair - it don't look so bad when it's wet - it just looks fuzzy when dried and brushed.

See, Ozzy's team used clear direction like left and right and Coach's team used words like, "over there, no over that way" - not so clear to me.

Ozzy is taking on the tribe like he's a god or something. He just wants to enjoy the time and relax and play. They didn't even work on their shelter the first day.

Semhar - she's a poet. beatbox. she had to represent. You should have seen Ozzy's face if you missed it! He's so smitten with her and mesmorized. He loves her. I mean, he respects her passion and wants her around for the long haul. I think he's looking for his Amber.

Poor Cochran was so shy to show off his translucent body. He did a slo-mo run like Bay Watch into the water. Sweet.

Cochran

Pappa Bear (gay NY detective) - HOLLA. I'm so happy he's out there representing for the other gay cops out there that might not feel super safe in being who they are. It's all good. We are all right. I'm happy he's there. He seems descent thus far.

Papa Bear

Coach took the lead and encouraged and 'coached' his team through the first day of building a shelter and he let everyone know that he's just going to be real and that's it.

Sophie - Russian and Economics major - I think she JUST recently graduated. I think I like her so far. She seems pretty down to earth. She's my player in the work pool. Hold on, her caption says, "Medical Student." Super smart. She must be the Cochran of the blue team.

Christine is all about trying to find the idol - oh sorry, she's out looking for firewood, but I don't think she brought any back. She seems tough. She leaves Coach pretty nervous. She's his target number one. Before the returning Coach and Ozzy went to their teams, she mentioned that "they are just temporary players."

Jim - he's a "science" teacher - the cool teacher...more like the MARIJUANA DEALER. He said he won over 40 poker tournaments and he has his MBA. Okay, so they are medical marijuana dispensaries. And he's not saying a word about his contribution to different levels of addiction in society. He's sticking to the noble teacher story.

Dawn was losing her shit about not having the shelter done. I was talking with a colleague and her perception was that of "control freak." She said she's a planner and she's not sure if Bob Marley (Ozzy) is. She is an English Professor and mother of 6 - her and her husband adopted all of their children.

Coach and Mikayla (lingerie football player - wtf is that?) were buggin little Russell. He seems so nervous about the pretty playboy bunny (February 2011)! I bet it's on account of his youth and inexperience. Mikayla seems quite confident in herself and her sexual being and he is not comfortable at all. I think it's on account of his immature sexual expression - he might not be able to control some somatic responses and that's nerve wracking. He's a 'young married gentleman'. He doesn't want to get close to her because he knows that he WANTS her and is scared of his normal biological responses. Good luck to you sir in your growth. Don't be a dick because of your fear.

Commercial interruption - I want to watch "Two Broke Girls" because I love one of the stars. Okay, I don't 'love' in that way, but I believe she's a good actress.

Kat Dennings (to the right - your right - as you look at the screen)

Sophie wants an astrologer, but she's sure Coach can do it. They were just sitting out there chatting and getting to know each other. They set up their alliance of five. Very smart move! It's comprised of Coach, Sophie, Russell Jr., the Ranger, and Albert...and it's Coach 3.0 actually. 3.0, that's pretty high expectations Coach. Please don't disappoint.

Pappa Bear and Dawn are chatting. He's trying to help her keep her shit together because they are the oldest in the tribe (Ozzy's tribe) and might be the first up. She couldn't handle herself the second day because she didn't sleep well at all. Ozzy was really strong for her I think. He wanted her to feel her feelings and own them and let them come through so she could get past it. She has 6 kids, she's a teacher, she's always in charge without question I think. That or she's used to having a few quick sips of red wine. Oh wait, that's me. Excuse me...

There.

Semhar's contribution - how to brush your teeth and you can use pasty ash for tooth paste. Thanks for that. Okay, I'm sure it's smart. Dental hygiene is important.

Cochran, you are charming. You are a provider to the tribe. Good for you for opening your first coconut with a machette.

L'il Russell is out there fishing as soon as possible to provide for the tribe. He wants to have a good social game unlike his familia.

First challenge - They have to scramble under a maze type thing, run through a coconut thing, climb a 10 foot tall wall, OMG Albert pulled mini Hantz up the wall - WOW, okay that kid must weight like 180 or more and with his arms Albert just lifted him up like it was almost nothing. Awesome strength. They had to then dig out a machette and then cut through some rope to drop a tonne of coconuts. They then had to shoot coconuts into a giant net to raise up another bag of coconuts that would in turn raise their flag. Blue tribe, Coach's tribe wins by just ONE coconut. Semhar (Ozzy's tribe) just kept missing and missing and missing. She was so tired and crying and wanting to switch out after just two shots on net. Mikayla - I think she made EVERY basket and her final shot won it for Upalu (blue) Tribe! Heck ya! I was really happy about that finish for sure.

Jim got super pissed because Semhar said she only felt "sorta bad." They are sending someone to Redemption Island.

Their clue about the hidden immunity idol - 'there's a hidden clue for it'. Find that clue and you'll be able to find it easier. I don't know her name...the mortician...she nearly found the clue and she knew it. At least she realizes she was most likely about to touch it.

Semhar was really hurt by Jim's response. I kind of agree she just didn't want someone to call her out because she already felt down and why would another person try to put them down even more. Maybe he should smoke a joint?

Ozzy is trying so hard to save her and tries to get Cochran out of the game because he's not the "cool" kid and he thinks he's weak. He's not though. He's a good, honest player and should stick around. He's the biggest fan ever.

I have an issue with everyone getting on Semhar's case for volunteering to do something when NONE of them stepped up to do it either. No one said, "Hey, I'll do it. I think I should." But, she did say she wanted to do it and she might have been offended if someone jumped up...but you never know unless you try - right? Ozzy just wants the love of his life, his soul mate to stay in this game.

"It's explicitly been stated that I am...". You're awesome Cochran. You were awesome until you thought you were better and cooler than Papa Bear and the other girls. Come on, that's not nice. You are quite nearly the most articulate person I have heard speak. I believe the words he chooses are mostly the best options and most clearly understood by all. He doesn't dumb things down or add more than necessary. Except when he first heard that he was up for potentially getting voted out.

I'm happy Semhar is on Redemption. Hey, maybe it will be a great story of revival from Redemption and she will have some great poetry come out of it. Here's to hoping.

She wept like a banshee as she left tribal counsel. Ozzy, "I should have taught her how to make a fire." Ain't you sweet, Ozzy?

OMG! They ALL voted her out! Even Ozzy voted for her! They were all sure she was going to Redemption. When did Ozzy change his mind? Those sneaky editors! Oh you.

A Limitless Love - poem by Semhar. I like it.

Solo Soto - Practice without teacher?

2011-09-08T02:28:00.000-07:00

Am I wasting time sitting without a teacher? Without a present teacher in my space to critique and dissect and smack me with a stick when I don't sit proper? I'm so confused. Lots of what I have read indicates that Zen is pretty solo in practice. Then to the contrary - students are warned to not do it without a teacher. Does a book constitute some level of educator? If not...am I wasting my time? Does it count if I listen to Thich Nhat Hanh while I write this blog post? Okay, I'm really actually doing that. It's a talk on anger and how we can embrace it much like a mother will embrace her crying baby. It's called, "Hello my Anger."

I really am curious for the answer to this question. Maybe I'll contemplate this during my Zazen practice tomorrow (well okay, this afternoon) when I get home.

I'm still sitting and I'll continue to and I hope I don't truly fuck myself up by not having a teacher present. I guess I just need to keep up studying while I'm sitting. I think this might assist in keeping myself on track and not turning into some cultish type believing too much that I am Jesus Christ. I figure we all are...I'm no more than you and you're no more than me...know what I mean? Not in like the crazy, crazy "I'm Jesus lookit me" kinda way. I'm realizing this is a hard thing to explain without sounding like a nutter, so I'm going to just leave it alone for the time being.

So - sitting experiences as of late...uhm...I think I'm quicker to note when I'm disengaging from the present moment - getting lost in thought to the point of not realizing where I am and what I'm doing. I notice I do that quite a few times throughout a short fifteen minute sitting. I guess it would be nice to talk directly to a teacher about what's going on with that...and maybe get some instruction/lessons.

I forgot my pencil case in an area I can't access until morning. I'm going to sit here at the computer and not do any of my homework...I'm not going to do any homework because I don't have my special pens and I'm not interested in using just a "regular" pen that any random person could use to write out my notes. I don't want to stray from the pattern I've established. I love making excuses. This is one of those "Yes, but" things I just read about this evening..."Yes, I was planning to do my homework, but I didn't have access to my pencil case so I'm not going to do it." "If I had my pencil case at hand, then I would do my homework." The "if/then" is another example he uses in the excuses section on safeguarding tendencies. I'm talking about Adler by the way.

Maybe I'll read the remainder of the chapter and take my notes tomorrow morning when I'm waiting for Canadian Tire and the post office to open. .

Found here...

http://www.turtlepuddle.org/alaskan/hikingpages/08summer/roadtrip-2.html

Procrastination, planning...JUST DO - silly.

2011-09-01T14:55:00.000-07:00

Oh dear me. I've started back to shift work. I have to do night shifts. I don't know what I think of it so far. I know it will get better. I'm trying to adjust to it though. Seriously. I'm having to deal again with shitty procrastination and I know I will overcome, but I honestly look for anything else to do EXCEPT what I should be doing. Right now I had all the plans in the world to clean house, self, and complete a chapter for school. What have I done? I did my free Bejeweled Blitz spin, checked my banking, took Moksha for a walk (we even went shorter than usual so I would have time to get everything done before the LOML gets home from work), and I plugged my iPhone for music into the stereo. I've also started this blog post.

I'm still zazen-ing. I have to push myself to get up there and do it. I'm ensuring to do 15 minutes instead of cutting it short. I've noticed that I find more difficulty in sitting right now. Pains in my right ankle and knee. I am uncomfortable. I figure my body is a little shifted with the night shifts added to my life. I have to work through it there is no other way around it. I also noticed pain in my back, left knee, and there is more itchiness in random spots...the other day on my right cheek I struggled to NOT scratch my face off in the middle of my sitting. The time is going by at a good pace. I don't feel like I'm sitting for a hundred years or anything like that.

This afternoon's sitting was a struggle for me. I made it a struggle. I was sitting just fine. I've gone back to half lotus (my version of it anyhow). My ankle was KILLING me - okay not really killing me, but I was in pain. I wasn't going to check the time. I wasn't going to move my leg. I thought about it and thought about it. I sat in the pain for a short period and figured I should see how much longer and then decide what I would do about the pain if anything. I noticed that I still had two minutes left. I decided to move my leg and then quickly recognized that I put myself in more pain than I had been in in the first place! I should have stayed exactly how I was and just felt it and did my breathing. I got through the itch on my cheek by breathing into the annoyance and it quickly went away. No, this time I took the "easy" way out which as it seems ends up being the harder route in the end.

Okay, okay...with that - It is more difficult to put shit off until the last possible minute and just go and get it done now. I will get up from this computer and do the dishes. I should shower soon after that. I'm getting caught up in a "planning" mode and that just takes me away from my "doing" mode. However, sitting here typing away is detracting from getting shit done. I'm outta here. :)

Quickly reviewed and now posted...

Survivor 23 - Ozzy and Coach HAIR again - South Pacific.

2011-08-31T01:23:00.000-07:00

Ozzy is back! Coach is back! And for some weird reason Russell’s 19 year old nephew is on the show…so what? Weird. I guess he must have paid off some executives to get him on the show. I hope he’s voted off first. I mean…okay, maybe he’s a nice kid and he should be there and I should be all super supportive…but really, I just want Ozzy to win and maybe they’ll auction off his hair when it’s all over…did you see it? Sweet.

So – Survivor is back and I’m going to need something to distract me from my studies…I will be sending out weekly(ish) updates.

I do this pool thing at work and I've gotten positive reviews so I started posting it on my blog. I know...it's weird and doesn't really seem to 'flow' with the whole Zen vibe I'm on...but then again...maybe it is completely appropriate. :)

Either way...I'm so excited Coach is gracing us once again and Ozzy grew out his hair.

Ozzy...why the hair?

Why Ozzy?

Running, Sitting, Young the Giant, and Tricycle.

2011-08-29T14:51:00.000-07:00

Well, it's August 29, 2011. I started Zazen practice on July 28, 2011. I haven't missed a day yet. I just do it. I just sit. I sit and try and notice my breath. The basic trend for me so far as been to sit and think, 'okay I'm going to breathe in and then out'. I was counting my out breaths to start with and I used to emotionally beat myself up for straying from the count. Then I only counted one for each out. Now I like to just notice what I'm thinking and feel those thoughts in my body. I am reading, "Zen Mind Beginner's Mind" by Shunryu Suzuki. I read about breathing and internal and external 'stuff'. I read that we are like a swinging door. I didn't quite get it when I first read it and now I think I get it a little bit. Each time something shifts in me I understand it a little bit more then something shifts again and I have no clue what it means at all. Click on Shunryu's name and you will be directed to the quote...it's on the Tricycle website.
CURRENTLY - I suppose that each time I breathe out - a little of 'me' is shared with the planet and each time I breathe in - a little of 'you' is shared with me...a little of the entire universe...I know...don't think about it too much.
I'm watching Much Music right now. I'm not sure why. Nothing else on I guess. I like this song - My Body by Young the Giant.

I noticed last week that I really like the taste of milk. Weird. I never used to drink milk and now I find myself reaching for it from time to time. I wonder what has shifted in my body/mind to enhance the taste of milk. I think the chemicals in our body/mind switch up toxicity and that is why our taste buds change over the course of our lives. I think maybe I'm more aware of what my needs are - like, I need Vitamin D and Calcium and am finally a bit more aware of the good things my body needs because it's good for me and I deserve it. Hokey? Most likely reads that way for sure. I know what I mean.

Tonight is my first night shift in quite some time. I am done the team leader day shifts. I'm back to two day shifts and two night shifts. I'm going to start school tonight. At least that's the intention now...if I still feel that way I'll do it. I'm going to crack the books for Statistics and challenge myself. I have to finish up a little Team Leader stuff as well. Bottom Line? I just have to do what I set out to do. That's all I can do.

Since I've been running - I learned something about myself. I learned that setting goals for the future are no good. The only good thing is doing what I want to do. I've only really ever let myself down. What I'm getting at - When I'm running and looking ahead I used to think, "Once I get to that sign, I'm going to stop." Then if I didn't feel like stopping I would keep going...that was so weird for me. There was one time when running, I did look ahead and decided that I just wanted to get to the last turn before my driveway and then I stopped myself. I realized that I was sitting there waiting in a future that hadn't happened yet and I was just uncomfortable in the moment I was in. I thought about it and decided, "I'm just going to check in with myself right this second and if I'm feeling alright to continue, I will. If I'm too tired or in too much pain to continue then I will stop." After doing that, I have been able to run much farther without stopping. I'm also in better shape for it. It's difficult to break promises with myself when I don't make them. I don't have the disappointment to contend with anymore...well, right now. I still make plans and have ideas for what I would like to accomplish in a day - I just don't carry the expectations anymore.

About sitting - I've notice that when I sit sometimes my body gets really hot. I feel super warm and I just roll with it. I haven't thought too much about the why yet. I haven't placed what my thoughts were when the heat begins. I'm almost uncomfortable in the warmth. I sit in it though. I also noticed that when I wear more than a t-shirt the weight of the second layer is really noticeable. I don't generally notice it throughout the day. And to point out...I'm not dressed to warmly when the sitting starts and I don't think my attire is contributing to the initial heat I feel being emitted from my body. I feel it and then when I finish the sitting, I no longer sense the heat.

"like a tay inna wihin" jody foster in some movie I can't recall the name of...

2011-08-21T15:52:00.000-07:00

Yesterday's Zazen session was difficult. I was pretty much crying near the end of it. I should have sat for longer, but I think it was long enough. It had to be because that's all it was. I wonder why. I can't recall exactly what I was thinking about and I can't recall where my body was aching. All I remember is recognizing that we all have a choice in whether or not we stay here on this planet and there is nothing anyone can really do about whether we decide to remain or to leave. I'm glad I didn't recognize (really understand) that until now. I don't think I would have done so well if I figured that one out years ago. I suppose that's why I was crying - the recognition of life for life's sake and how wonderful I am - you are - we are - and aren't (trifecta). I recall hearing the wind and knowing intrinsically that it's always there.

So - sitting each morning and evening is getting somewhere. I would still be here whether or not I was participating in the zazen, but I feel better for it. I was sitting in my feelings and knew that they would calm - you know, like the wind and all that jazz. I knew I had it coming to me. I was just thinking before I sat down that I didn't know what the hell all those books about how difficult sitting can be were getting at. Okay, yes, I get it. I understand. :)

Well, time to finish watching "Little Red Riding Hood." We spent money on renting it. I know. So far? I'm going to give it about a 5.5.

My next book? "Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind" by Shunryu Suzuki.

Let's see what this book brings. I am certain I read the inside flap of the book before I sat and it mentioned stuff about thinking about who we are and stuff like that. I guess that's what I had in my mind at that time.

INTP (which should really be IiNTP I think)

2011-08-17T12:19:00.000-07:00

I'm still sitting everyday. I thought I was ready to move on to 20 minutes each morning and another 20 each evening. I have done it a couple of times, but for the most part I'm not. I'm sitting just 15 minutes each time. I don't know why I haven't made the commitment to progress. When I'm not feeling pressure to get up early or miss out on time spent with the LOML, I'm okay for the 20. I excuse make to avoid it. I'm just not ready to commit. Or is it better said, "I'm not doing it yet." I guess that's honest. I mean, if I really wanted to do it for the entire time, I would just do it.

Learning more and more everyday. I'm sitting and sitting and sitting and recognizing my thought patterns. I'm thinking about them and then I'm not and then I'm lost in some other thought. Yesterday evening I remember I am thinking about 'Mu'. I have starting thinking, 'Mu' on my in breath and then again on my out breath. About three breaths into that mantra I could hear Moksha (we call her Mu) eating downstairs. I smiled. That's what it's about for me.

For a two mornings in a row I chose to look down at the time and saw there was three minutes and change left for my sitting. I thought it was interesting that both times I was only 12 minutes into it.

About two evenings ago I got stuck in a numbers' game. I was thinking about 32 times 32. I have no idea why 32 was in my head...maybe because I was thinking about the 1x1 = 1, 2x2 = 4, 4x4 = 16 and then I fuck it up and just multiply 16 x 2 and get 32 and then I do the 32x32...but I generally just multiply it by 2 and saw the error in that...instead of figuring the 16x16 first I got stuck on the 32x32...oh dear me...I have to go back and do 16x16...I find it difficult to clear my mind enough to just see a chalk board with those numbers. I can do it when I write it out...I should be able to see it the same way as when I write it. Maybe that's what I'm working on figuring out.

I get worried when I start to think too much about numbers. About two years ago almost I had to take time off work - I was sad. I was off for about three months. I got stuck on those gad dang math crosswords. Not sudoku, but cross sums. The basic idea is to add numbers together in the white blank box spots (1-9 with no two numbers the same) so that they = the number indicated in the black box beside it. I could not figure this out just in my head. I became obsessive. There was a correct answer and I wouldn't stop until I had it. I ended up writing out all the different permutations for all numbers adding together. I started with 1+2, 1+3, 1+4, all the way to 1+2+3+4+5+6+7+8+9...I did this for each number 1-9 and did every single mix that could occur. There were pages of these numbers. I stapled it together and when I had this "cheat" sheet done I was able to complete the puzzles in a much more timely manner. Holy. When I finished it I thought maybe I needed help! So, when I get stuck on numbers I'm nervous that I'm going to that place. I'm not sure if it was really a bad thing...just an obsessive trait I guess.

Shit. Now I need to figure out 16x16, but I won't do it on paper. Yes, I know. I'm weird. 256. Yes. That was much quicker.

I was really doubtful that I was an INTP. I thought for sure there must be a mistake. I took the Myers-Briggs test about five times before I determined that it must be valid to a higher degree than I gave it credit for.

I've successfully avoided reading any of my Personality Theories reading for today. Time to get to it. I'm also a little more interested in the statistics course I have to take. I think I might even like it. It'll give my mind some math focus. Joy.

Damn PO Box Elf.

2011-08-12T12:22:00.000-07:00

I'm bitchy. Ya. I woke up in an okay mood...slowly of course...check facebook, play backgammon and bejewelled, check mail. My books have been delivered. The note said that they dropped off a card as they attempted to deliver. I wonder where the elf was that lives in the mailbox. I wonder why he never collected and signed for my package. Damn PO Box elf.
I should get a new one. So, I'm pretty excited to go and pick up my courses! I can sift through the books and really feel them. I'm going to open the package and then figure out what I need for back to school supplies :) hehe. I'm pretty excited about that purchase. I think I'm going to get some pencils for math, a calculator (maybe), new pens! oh joy! I love new pens, and I think a couple of notebooks. Lined. Fancy covers. Retail therapy of sorts. I'm a nerd at heart and I really loved picking out school supplies when I was a kid. It's even better now because I can get a real LeKit if I want to and no one will stop me.
How awesome is that pencil box? We'll see what wonders I will find at Walmart. I don't care. Judge away. I've already spent a tonne of cash on the courses...I'm going to save a couple of bucks at Walmart on supplies. I could go to staples...but I would get lost in nerd nirvana for hours. I have plans today. I'm going to see "The Change Up" yes on purpose.

Intuition vs Thought - battle of the senses.

2011-08-10T23:24:00.000-07:00

I recently read a blog post a person wrote conveying their desire to remain in an angry and sad state and not wanting others to try and find some dharma teaching in a tragedy that had recently past. I was really touched to read his words. I'm a dick sometimes. I try to find out what is bothering someone and quickly venture out there in the depths of my own interpretation of psychology and try to plant the seeds of "yer gonna feel much better after I give you the lesson - I'll lead you to the water with these condescending words." Of course my intention is never that. My intention is good. Or is it? Seriously? I wonder sometimes why I do what I do and say what I say. I wonder if I'm trying to bloat my own ego by helping others. Who knows? I guess I'm learning more and more about the why I do what I do everyday. I take back calling myself a dick. I'm not a dick. I'm trying to be helpful, just sometimes I step over the line of being helpful - at least that's my take on the situation from time to time.
I'm glad I read from someone able to express emotions and be okay in sitting in that space and energy. Sometimes we have to be there. Sometimes I have to resonate in the shitty feelings. I guess other people need to sit there too. I guess I should sit back sometimes and just be there and not try to fix. I think that's what helped me make the right choice for me when it came to turning down the offer of extension for the acting supervisory role. I really enjoyed the title and the admiration from my supervisor, but it really wasn't getting me any closer to the goals that I have for myself. I wasn't fulfilled. Know what I mean? I wasn't pushing myself in the right direction. I was in constant battle with where my intuition wanted to take me and where my 'thoughts' were peer pressuring me to go. I needed to find that discomfort and realize that it really wasn't uncomfortable at all, I was caring for myself. I had to lean into a feeling I was not used to and explore it a bit.

I know it sounds weird when I read it over too. I suppose I should explain for me and for you (if you want - you might already get it and I'm the one struggling).

So, what I mean is I was thinking - "Oh yes! I'm getting picked first to do this wonderful thing. I must be awesome. I must be loved. I must be first choice! I don't want to turn this down. What if I'm never picked first again? What if I turn this down and never get another chance?" So, in my own desire to be the 'best one' out of the lot I forgot that we are not really separate to begin with. I really don't need to be chosen first by anyone but myself. So, I put my needs last when I thought I was being put first. I did this so that I didn't have to feel that sadness. I mean if I were to stop looking to please someone else, maybe I could enjoy my own happiness. I guess that's what I used to do - I used to try and 'make' others happy or proud of me or try to shine and then feel uncomfortable when I would get the praise...like that's what I really want, but then don't know what to do with it when it comes my way. I figure this speaks to my old self hating way. Old way. I finally get it. I finally understand (at least most of the time) that I ain't so bad.

I've been reading Thoughts without a Thinker by Mark Epstein, MD. I'm really enjoying this read. My friend Jack (he's my biff, hit the link to see him talk about his awesome play 'Heather's String Theory') gave me a lend of it. SO GOOD. I've been reading a bunch of Buddhist stuff as of late and it just seems that each book I read is in the right place at the right time for where I'm at. I don't know if reading this book when he first lent it to me (about four months ago maybe more or less, I can't recall) would have been the right time. I wasn't as comfortable or exposed to really any Buddhist stuff...I think I would have been more confused and lost and then frustrated because I already have to look up words to find out what they mean...so, I would have had to do a lot more research while reading the book. If you get a chance to, you should pick it up or borrow it or something and read it. You might enjoy it as much as I am.

Paradise really is right here :)

2011-08-08T17:35:00.000-07:00

Today is the day I tell my boss that I don't want to volunteer in the position I'm currently in. I'm nervous. I don't need to be. She told me she would support me whatever decision I make.
I realize now I put too much worry into what other people think of decisions I make. I thank zazen for that nugget.
OMG - I just got an e-mail from her and I'm so nervous! I need to pull it off like a band-aid. Just like that - just say it. I could go to her office right this second and spew it out. I'm going to have this nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach/guts until I tell her and she says 'that's okay. taking care of you is what is important in life'. Until I put myself in position to hear that, I'm going to mess with my guts for a bit. It's like a test. "Why?" you ask. Well, it's just what I do to myself.
Here it goes. I'm going to have breakfast with my coworkers and then I'm going to go up front and talk to the boss. I'm going to tell her the same way I told the other person acting in the same job I'm in. Just quick and painless - to the point with no denying my intention or my decision. Just be clear.
Oh my goodness - that was the easiest/hardest thing to do in my life. I was super anxious when I walked in. All I did was say, "Okay, I'm going to do this like a band-aid. I do not want to be extended in the position. I want to go back to the floor. I'm registered for two more university courses." There was no response except, "That's great! Do what you have to do. When do you want to be back on the floor?" I hummed and hawed and said, "Well, I can stay until September 1 - you know until you can get someone else in and blah, blah" and I was cut off with, "What is best for you?" So, we looked at the schedules and I'm done August 25, 2011. I'm back to my substantive position with the intention of doing a fantastic job and rocking my courses. There you have it. I'm on the path to getting this degree out of the way :) Yeah for me :)

Subtle changes and improvements for me:
1. Brushing and flossing every night (don't judge me)
2. Meditation (zazen) every morning and night (booya!)
3. Eating smaller portions and better for me foods (diet pop, light beer)
4. Exercising every day - even just a little bit
a) Doing some weight lifting to tone (every other day)
b) Stretching every day
c) Walking my dog :) she loves this one best
i) running sometimes...sometimes I run - she likes this one too.
5. Not smoking (since June 3/11) (like not even a little bit - like not even thinking about it or anything)

Via the zazen, I am able to recognize some of the thinking patterns I engage in. Dear me - I am always trying to "make" everyone happy. I do this at my own cost and without really knowing what would truly "make" someone else happy. I'm learning that I can only account for my own feelings and others are just as responsible for their own well-being. I needn't fuel my body/brain/thoughts with assumptions about others. Life is good. I'm good. I have to be - there really isn't any other way to be quite frankly. I read somewhere in one of Brad Warner's books - something along these lines, 'paradise is right here, right now.' I interpret that to mean there is nowhere else we can be but right here in this moment and that's where I am - where I want to be. What I do in this moment writes the "future" I experience. The fantasies of future do me no good.
My goals are present and being met daily. When they aren't - they are. That's what's amazing about this moment. 'paradise is right here, right now.'
Laughter.

Not falling for my own bullshit :)

2011-08-06T16:20:00.000-07:00

Wow. Today I am tired. Not so much that I couldn't get out of bed and make it to work on time - but sort of soul tired - which is really tired considering there really is no such thing as a soul in the traditional sense. I'm tired. I got out of bed after 2 snoozes (I think it was only two). I rolled onto the zafu and decided to be anti-authority about it. I didn't sit full or even half lotus. I didn't even sit with my legs crossed period for most of it. I hunched my back and hugged my legs for stability. I checked the time twice and I mocked my determination to keep thoughts about just what I was doing. I thought about whatever the fuck I wanted to think about.
My back hurts.
My knee is feeling pain.
I'm tired.
The 15 minutes went by uneventfully and even though I checked the time twice - it really wasn't dragging on all that much. I was falling into an old pattern of convincing myself that something was worse than it really was.

I realized something today. This whole mess of trying to decide what to do about the work gig I've been doing for the past few months. I may have the option to act in it for an extended time frame. I don't want to.

I'm doing really good right now. I feel great. I'm exercising. I'm doing zazen every day. I am going to sign up for two more university courses. I'm ready to be in the shift work pattern that will be more conducive to studying in the night and during my five days off. So, I'll be working 2 days shifts. I finish at 7pm one day and then don't work again until 7pm the next day - so there's 24 hours right there. I work 2 night shifts. So, let's say I finish at 7am on Monday morning - I don't go back to work until Saturday at 7am. There is a lot of school work to be done in that time frame.

I currently get 4 days off in a row - without the night shift to fuck up my circadian rhythm. The first day of those four are spent assessing whether or not I forgot to do anything pertinent for my cross shift partner. I'm rethinking every decision and every comment I ever made during the four days I was working and beating myself up about something that could have been misconstrued and maybe pissed someone off. Eventually I relax, but it takes me some time to get there.

Maybe I can't really handle stress that well. Maybe I'm learning how to deal a little better every day. Maybe I'm just ready for a change. Maybe I want to do the job that I applied for for a little bit. Maybe I want to do what I want to do instead of worrying about how other people are going to react to the decision that I make for myself. Maybe, just maybe (that's a cliche now isn't it?) I should do what I want to do.

This is what's best for me in this moment. I won't do any university courses while I'm in the acting position. The sites are set on my degree and I have strayed from it long enough. I've quit doing a tonne of shit without finishing it. I have to start calling myself on that.

It is time. I'm deserving of a degree. I'm ready for the work that's needed. I'm ready because I finally believe enough in myself and have the drive TODAY to get there.

The LOML is behind me 100% - she's awesome. I know she would like me to be in bed next to her each night. I love being next to her too - however, should I stay I will *maybe most likely* start to dislike myself, get disgruntled with work, embarrassed that I haven't gotten any closer to my goal, depressed potentially, and then where am I at?

Now the tough part. It's not tough - it is what it is - I mean the argument back for me to stay could be "It's only an extra couple of months". However, I signed up for three and now nine have gone by. Each time I get an end date the extension is offered and I'm ready to do for me now :) It is now time to tell 'em where I stand. I figured out today I knew the answer all along. I was trying to convince myself otherwise. I find it harder and harder to trick myself into believing my own bullshit :o)

No really...Zazen is boring.

2011-08-03T15:53:00.000-07:00

http://homepage.mac.com/doubtboy/boring.html

I had this grand idea that I would blog daily about my adventures in sitting alone staring at a wall. I could barely contain my excitement and desire to share this experience with the world. I thought, 'wow, I've got something here. people will want to read about how easy it is to get down and dirty with a blank wall.' Not so much.
Really, it is quite easy to get to the wall and to sit there. I'm rather enjoying the experience. Sometimes I find myself waiting for something magical to happen, but mostly I'm just sitting there adjusting my posture as necessary and holding my hands as per. I sometimes count my out-breaths and I sometimes remind myself that it's not the future so I might as well not think about it. I was also thinking that the past is gone so let it be there. I had a thought I rather enjoyed - Lose the 'to do' list and just do. That's what I'm going to work with for right now - Just do. Nike had an then added 'it'. I suppose I could take it another step further and work with 'do'. That's all - do.
Mu. I'm mulling on Mu as well. When I find myself getting lost in the critical, self-loathing, 'why the hell did I do that' state - I consider Mu. I'm reading this book about the Mu koan and I'm about 1/3 of the way through it. I get stuck when they start talking about how enlightened I'm going to be if I just think about Mu all day, all night, even in my dreams for the next 30 odd years. Brad Warner talks about enlightenment being bullshit (not in so many words). He warns against getting caught up in books or with teachers that promise such enlightenment experiences. I'm reading it with a grain of salt mos' def. I just put a different spin on the 'e' word and take it for what it is.
I took up the running thing again. I did my first one the other day. I ran a wee bit and then walked and then ran a wee bit more and walk some more. Yesterday, I did a wee walk, about a 1.5 km run, a 1.3 km walk, a 1 km run, 1/2 km walk, and 1/2 km run. Today, I did about a 1.5km run, 1.3km walk, 1.5km run, 1/2km walk. We'll see how my hips feel tomorrow. I'm doing alright so far. Why the hell did you break it down like that? Okay, so I don't run the entire stretch at once. I could have added it all up and then said I ran this much and walked this much, but in my INTP mind - that is not accurate. So, to be accurate, that's how it is broken down. I don't think I'll introduce much more running yet. When I run too much I can't walk up the stairs for about a week. Baby steps - or strides :o) Besides, when I run too much Moksha gets tired too quickly. She was lagging behind on the second running section. I had to run backwards to ensure she was away from the vehicle coming up the dirt road. She's not a little girl anymore - she's 49 years old now.
That picture above - I did a search for boring zen images and that was the first one to come up - happens to be from Brad Warner's 'doubtboy' url. Interesting.
Then I found this one:

http://www.polythought.net/visual-symbolism/sarcasm/6368724

Losing the Training Wheels (zen style)

2011-08-02T13:25:00.000-07:00

I decided this morning that it is time to get rid of the timing bells telling me of when three minutes have passed. I moved it to five minute notice. Tonight I'm losing the training wheels altogether. Really, it is only fifteen minutes of sitting silently - I should experience the waiting it takes. I was going to up the time to twenty minutes - I will eventually - I'm going to get through the silence first.
I noticed last night when I was sitting my entire body started to shake. I then realized I wasn't sitting properly. I wasn't sitting with my knees on the ground (or blanket). I was sitting up high on the cushion. Not a good idea. I tried to figure out what the heck was going on and thought I was having some sort of religious experience and then adjusted my sitting and it went away. Boo. :) Or maybe I shouldn't say boo, I should be super happy that I can have that sort of experience without any intervention but my own imagination!
I took out the tones altogether last night. It went alright. I think it went quicker actually because I wasn't thinking, "when will that bell sound?"
During my sitting this morning I realized how much I think about work. When I noticed how much I thought about work, I started to construct what my day was going to look like - what I was going to do when I was done sitting and then after coffee, and after yard work, and after...etc...I adjusted my posture and decided to just sit. There is nothing I can do about the future except experience the present. It doesn't matter what I do to plan my future if I'm not going to be present for this moment - wait, this moment, or is it this moment? Damn it, as soon as I try to focus on it, it's gone. :)
My back and neck are aching - shoulders too. I'm not used to sitting yet. I figure I'm using muscles I haven't used in a while - I'm sure I'll adjust eventually. I really value the 15 minutes in the morning and the 15 at the end of the day now. The adventure started on June 28 and I have practiced as decided ever since. I'm almost at the one week mark (pats self on back).
I am off to see the wizard...walking the dirt road path with my dog. Until next time.

Zafu in the Corner is me or mine or...

2011-07-31T16:57:00.000-07:00

Last night and this morning's zazen sessions were bo-o-ring. My back today was aching. I felt it just behind where I believe my lungs to be. I noticed that when I was thinking about how I assume my cousin is really mad at me for calling her out on what I didn't agree with. I maybe shouldn't have done that. I was upset because she was being all hard core atheist. She was being ignorant and hurtful towards people that believe in God and I don't think that's really a smart way of going about the 'there is no God' argument. I think it is ignorant to be rude to someone for what they believe in. Is there really a difference in the way she was speaking about Christians and how she feels they treat or talk about her? I don't think so. In any case, I wrote that I believe anger + anger = even more anger and hate. I said that I welcome prayers from those close to me even if it is for my eternal soul and that I one day find Jesus in my heat, marry a man, and have babies. I love that they take the time every night to think about me. There aren't really that many people in the world that give me much thought in the evening and to know they are doing it just because they love me and want what they believe to be best for me - "fill your boots," I say. I welcome the love thoughts. :) Give me more. I know they don't agree with my "lifestyle" - but that doesn't matter. I am going to live how I'm going to live regardless of what someone believes in or not. They aren't hurting me. I can't change what they believe. All I can do is meet their concern with love and affection.

So - my point - my lungs were hurting when I thought about my cousin this morning. I wasn't able to write on her facebook wall for her birthday, but other people I know were able to - so I think she's shut me out or something. I wasn't intending to hurt her feelings. I wasn't trying to start shit slinging. I'm hurt. I feel distant from her when I really want to be close with her. I don't think this is the first time I've challenged her thoughts. LOML tells me I should just keep my opinions to myself. Maybe she's right. I have a hard time holding my tongue. I guess that's obvious, I can't even keep my thoughts contained - they spill out here frequently. My lungs hurt - I wonder why. I put together the breath and family and soul (whatever that is) - to me - the breath that sustains the senses. Anger was creeping in a bit and then sadness. I had to sit up, sit up, sit up, and then sit up again - for 15 minutes every 45 seconds or more I was straightening my posture and adjusting my pose. I stalled getting up to do zazen in the first place. I did it though. I didn't even bother to try and sit half lotus even. I got lazy for no reason, but to be passive aggressive - sleeping in, not holding posture...and I'm here assuming my cousin is being passive aggressive...I guess that's why I'm so pissed - I am passive aggressive and there you have it - I'm triggered by her response because it is a familiar tool in my arsenal.

Last night I waited until right before bed. It was fine. Nothing special to note.

I did learn over the past two sessions - I really do waste a lot of energy and space in my head on assuming the feelings and acting out the "what if" scenarios. Once I notice that's the case, I try to assume responsibility and move on. I know if I really want to figure out what's up with my cousin, I'm going to have to send her a private message and ask her what's up. I can't keep coming up with supposed scenarios. I mean, I can keep doing this, but it isn't getting me anywhere but crazy.

Day 2: Zazen-o-Rama

2011-07-30T13:10:00.000-07:00

It's actually a 'zafu' not zafoo as I mentioned previous.

Last night I managed to get in the 15 minutes of sitting I promised myself I would commit to. I did it just after supper to ensure that I wasn't too tired therefore excuse prone. The evening wasn't too bad. I sat and recognized feelings in my body I hadn't noticed throughout the day. I felt a pain in my belly. I felt this pain when I realized the neighbours were back and I could hear my dog wanting to go outside. It took a lot for me to not yell downstairs to let the LOML know they were back and to make sure she was watching Moo (Mu, hehe) so she wouldn't venture over to their yard. I kept my silent sitting and just felt my feelings. Right there in the tummy. The emotion behind it? A bit of fear and anxiety. I was worried about Moksha bothering the neighbours and not being a responsible pet owner. I was also a little anxious because I don't know the neighbours that well yet. I was a little worried they would be blasting fireworks and maybe noisy when I had to get up for work today. They have never been really loud or crazy or any of that...just an unnecessary fear I was holding onto. I've only ever been annoyed with them leaving things right in front of our house...that's stopped so I'm not sure why I was carrying it. It was nice to finally see that I had been carrying it in my tummy. Hopefully I can just accept them there and carry on and not feel that pain. So, LOML ended up going outside with Moo and all is good.
My foot fell asleep again. I'm okay with that. I just walk it off after sitting.
This morning? Fuck I was tired. I took one snooze. I thought about lowering the time to just 10 minutes, but then thought...'if you're late, next time you won't sleep in'. I got up and did the 15 minute zazen. The time went by incredibly fast! I was constantly straightening my back, arranging to sit with dignity and good posture, lowering my head. I have a tendency to crane my neck up, eyes looking up. I'm not sure why I do this. So, I was repeatedly bringing my gaze back to level. I had to relax my abdomen and focus my eyes. My thoughts? I realized that I was making up all kinds of stories about 'what' the day might bring and I was focusing on what hadn't even happened. So, I was returning to the room and adjusting proper. When I tried to count my breaths, I didn't get past two this morning. I'm not even kidding. I have read that I will get better with practice much like running or any type of exercise. I'm sticking with it and we'll see where it goes.
I don't know if I'll write in here everyday of my experience, but I find I gain something by reflecting. I don't sit with anyone or know of anyone personally who is sitting everyday, so I don't know where to share my experience...so I'm doing it here. I was startled when the bell chimed letting me know that the 15 minutes had passed. I have a little reminder tone every three minutes. I find this helps to keep my thoughts from going to 'how much time has passed?' I thought I had only heard two tones and then it was over. Awesome.
I'm still tired, but I'm engaged and looking forward to the sitting tonight :) I will venture forth and eventually I won't have to think about when I'm going to do this, I'll just do it when it's time.

Zazen Begins. SIT DOWN.

2011-07-29T16:52:00.000-07:00

First evening and morning of zazen practice. I've read the books and know by now that everything points to zazen and essential practice. So, I finally set up my zafoo and blanket and I'm ready to study the paint on the wall.
First distraction? The shadow of my hair. My part is ridiculous. I'm not kidding. It looks really funny. At first I decided to try and ignore it. Guess how well that worked. So, then I thought I will look at it and accept it as there and move on. That was a more effective way of addressing the issue...hmmm...who would have thought that by addressing something instead of ignoring it would help dissipate distress?
That was the first evening. I could hear every movement downstairs and almost let that bother me to the point of getting angry with the person for moving during the fifteen minutes of quiet I had requested. I decided the annoyance was only with myself and the boredom that had begun to settle in. I got past it.
This morning - I stuck to my guns and got out of bed without waiting the standard three snooze minimum. I wandered directly into the office space, to the zafoo, and 'the wall'. I could almost feel myself falling asleep with my eyes open. I adjusted and straightened up. I noticed little spots on the wall until - until the entire thing sort of blurred together and I was left to notice the thoughts and the little pinch in my right foot and the creeping in of pins and needles. I was able to notice the little hunch forward and the relaxing and tightening of my belly. There was a slight pull of discomfort in my back near my right shoulder. I counted my breath. I don't think I got past 4 at any given time before I was distracted by thought or shadow or little nick in the paint. I did it though. I sat for fifteen minutes. I'm going to do it again tonight...at least that's the plan so far :) My intention in this moment is to go forward.

Dogen said it best...

2011-07-23T00:27:00.000-07:00

I really do like the quote as written below by Dogen. He was born 19 January 1200...just a day before me and a few hundred years prior I should add...in case you hadn't figured that out.

"Enlightenment is like the moon reflected on the water. The moon does not get wet, nor is the water broken. Although its light is wide and great, the moon is reflected even in a puddle an inch wide. The whole moon and the entire sky are reflected in dewdrops on the grass, or even in one drop of water. Enlightenment does not divide you, just as the moon does not break the water. You cannot hinder enlightenment, just as a drop of water does not hinder the moon in the sky. The depth of the drop is the height of the moon. Each reflection, however long or short its duration, manifests the vastness of the dewdrop, and realizes the limitlessness of the moonlight in the sky."

Dogen Zenji (1200 - 1253)

I can't recall where I first read it and would hate to atribute wrongly...but I do know that I read it tonight in Brad Warner's, Hardcore Zen. He didn't quote the entire thing, but I read it in entirety somewhere else. It could have been in Dharma Road by Brian Haycock. Or it might have even been in one of the other books I read by Brad Warner. Needless to say (is it needless? why am I going to type it out then?) I have been reading a lot of Buddhist material lately. I started with Taoism what feels like a hundred years ago (because clearly I can remember 100 years ago) and more recently...the last twelve months, give or take, I started with Thich Nhat Hanh. I'll continue to read his stuff, but right now I'm interested in reading stories written in a way that I have an easier time relating to. I appreciate what "Thay" has to say, but he kind of seems like the monk for my grandmother or little sister.

Where was I going with this? I quite nearly fell asleep just before 2200hrs. It is now 0006hrs and sleep appears to have alluded me for the time being. I hope to fall again soon into that slumber that will carry me an entirely too short a time to the alarm song at 0505hrs. Why am I still up? :)

As I was in the - thoughts are taking over - place my mind so comfortably finds itself my common sensibilities lost the battle and I chose to get up. I had a thought I needed to write down - Here it is: Our memories (our past) are like little riddles I ponder and shuffle in an attempt to figure out who I am in this moment and who I will become in my future (does it really matter NOW?). The only problem with this angle of attack is the riddle is not riddled in the past, but in the moment and the memories are just merely distractions and illusions. The answer lies in the now (if there really is a now that is tangible). I guess to me I believe the past to be like those crazy annoying riddles I have read ... maybe that's what the koans are about...'if a tree falls in the forest' kinda thing. I'm curious about so much and Brad Warner seems to be presenting ideas presented by Dogen originally (he got this from his teachers, not from Dogen himself...in case you hadn't figured that out) and my mind is totally blown...which brings me full circle...my brain/thought sense (patience, I'm new to this) is just as vast as the dewdrop that can handle the entire moon. I'm okay. Maybe now with thoughts laid out I can get cozy in bed and sleep away a few hours before I get up once again. Not that I think I've hit some kind of 'enlightenment' or anything, just a neat little realization I felt the desire to share.

Really or are you just putting me on...

2011-07-08T10:55:00.000-07:00

Ever hear a story from someone - okay, of course you have...ever hear a story from someone and think, "wow, are you serious? are you telling me this as a test to see if I will not say anything?" I have often wondered this exact thing. I have heard outrageous stories and have been desperate to share the utter seemingly imagined tales of others with someone and then my paranoia sets in - they know this is crazy and they know I will pass it on and they know it will get back to them and then I will look a fool for believing the story in the first place and an even bigger fool for passing it on. I have this sneaking suspicion that everyone around me is in on the conspiracy and are waiting for me to fail and share a secret I have committed to confidence.
So, last night after I had already written this little post - and still had to finish - I got wind of one such story. I'm still not sure if I wasn't being put on and then I heard myself share stories of old and my cohort began to question whether or not I was in fact putting her on with the tales.
The stories don't even matter. Just review them in your head before you share them and wonder. I guess because people actually write books and movies and other such things of "fiction" from a factual beginning I am starting to train my brain to believe seeming realities masked in fiction are impossible because of their title.
I will think on this post and try to figure out what's the meaning behind it all for me...really. Sounds like I could use a session of zazen.

oh bother

2011-07-05T23:44:00.000-07:00

sometimes I talk too much. sometimes I talk too much and then I think too much about all the nonsense I've said. sounds to me like I should really just let it all go to the wayside seeing as it has already been done and there is nothing I could do...well, short of inventing a time machine and going back...okay, true, I suppose I could go and invent a serum that will destroy all memory of what I said to those I said crap to. not that it was really anything that important or that much to really worry about...it is however keeping me away...okay it's not I am. So, here I lay it down for the night and off to sleep I go :)

Operation Tuvalu

2011-06-25T21:27:00.000-07:00

Okay, so that ain't funny. Tuvalu is really sinking. The neighbour's "Party Island" has been taken care of. I went out there this morning and decided that I would just up and move it myself. I think they might have put it closer to our house. I'm sure they didn't. So, I put my shorts and tank top on and made my coffee. I brushed my teeth and added a splash of Bailies to the mix. I ventured outside with my sarong to lay on, my book and coffee mug in tow. I set them all down and went over and grabbed hold of the "party island" and done drug it to the front of their property. Nothing wrong with it and no hard feelings and nothing ignorant on my part. We haven't spoken all day. They haven't partied in front of our place either. :)
I'm not sure if they are intentional in their placement of their seadoos or not. However, it is directly infront of our house again. I wonder if tomorrow I will move it...nah. They can be as passive aggressive as they choose to be. Mission accomplished - no more island in front of our place. I just hope it doesn't get ugly. I'm going to remain calm and speak my mind and be honest about it all. Feelings in check are important. I don't need to let my anger overwhelm me. I need to be aware of these things - that's all - be aware of me.

BTW: The book I'm reading right now is "Sit down and shut up" by Brad Warner. So I guess in the short version of the story, I did get out there and sit down and shut up. I suppose my actions spoke for myself. So I added in the movement of the party island. Really, I didn't add anything or start a fight or a war or anything like that. I just went out there moved something back to the proper owner and I sat down and shut up.

Oh hey...

2011-06-24T21:55:00.000-07:00

So, today I am finally having a day at home with the LOML and I am happy. Each day just seems to get better and better. I am trying to recognize when I begin to feel sadness or anger and relate these feelings to my attachments. I have been reading lots and lots by Brad Warner and nearly every other page he reminds us (well the readers and really only me because I'm not sure the others are getting the same thing out of it as me) that we only feel sadness and loss and upset-ed-ness when we have attachement to our things. So, I feel annoyed with the neighbours and their fucking "party island" beached directly in front of my window and I think - "Fuck you guys. Seriously? Why are you putting it right there? Can't you tell that it is disrupting my view?" Maybe not. Maybe they aren't even thinking about me and my house and my view. Maybe they are just enjoying the newness of living near the lake or at least visiting the lake every weekend. And really, I'm only super attached to the view my front window provides. If I forget about the attachement I have to the view, does it really matter if "party island" is parked right in front of my face? I guess not.
So, now each time I look out my window the annoyance is less and less. We will see how I feel tomorrow. I suppose if the feeling does not dissipate I will have to get up and talk to them and see if they can move it. I'm sure they will. I'm sure it won't even be a big deal. I'm sure they will not even be annoyed. I'm really just annoyed with myself for not saying anything. Hmmph. Interesting things this life of mine is. I like it.
Oops, there are no "it"s. There is only me. So, I guess that means I like me. Thinks about it - instead of using the word it, replace it with me. You can even replace it with a person's name. Seriously - example from tonight - little girl went up to my friend and thanked her for singing and told her she was so happy to she played that song she played. My friend replied with, "Oh thank-you I appreciate it." Now, this isn't rude by any stretch and she did say thank-you, but how much more personal could that statement have been if she said, "Oh thank-you I appreciate you." Know what I mean? Not the greatest example. I'm sure you will hear tonnes around you in the next little bit. OH OH OH - okay, so you are sitting around and you say to your partner, "It's a lovely night out tonight." Now! Replace 'it's' with what you really mean, "I feel lovely tonight" or "You are lovely tonight". Just try it. I know it sounds hokey. Perhaps I'm not explaining myself properly which is entirely likely.
Bonne...j'ai fini pour maintenant.

oh I could have said it this way instead...

2011-05-25T19:24:00.000-07:00

So, in my best Cher impression, "If I could turn back time..." or maybe my best 'Jack 2000' from Will and Grace - I might be closer. However, all that being said, I'm sure you get what I'm trying to convey. I'm pretty happy that my want to turn back time would be to sort of straighten up the introduction I gave today at the EOC meeting in Ottawa...I did get overwhelming positive support from everyone at the meeting. Okay, nearly everyone. There was a lot of interest in bringing this information forward. I even got feedback telling me that this was the most interesting and pertinent information in the past couple of years. Thank-you sister, thank-you wholeheartedly. Great word mash - no red underline for a mistake :)

Oh yeah, the talk was about Compassion Fatigue - what it means and how it can manifest. Please keep in mind I only had a very limited time to express all of this and I didn't fully understand what that timeline would be until shortly before presenting...I didn't ask all the right questions ahead of time. :) I know now to ask or at least to prepare alternatives. Either way...It did go over really well and I'm being my own worst critic, so I should just shut up and listen to the feedback.

So, I would have said something along the lines of:
We are here representing the Equal Opportunities groups within the Public Service Alliance of Canada. Most of these groups rank quite high in the "shitty stuff happens to us" category. I'm not saying this to be negative. I'm saying this because it is most accurate. When shitty stuff happens to me, I tend to fall into the category with anger, cynicism, seeming lack of support, and little hope for finding a way out - at least this is how I used to view my hardship. I believe that we as the EOC body of the PSAC Nationally have a responsibility to the brothers and sisters who need our support the most - well, the most often because white guys still need support. We have a duty to represent them with the fullest of our being. I don't believe we can be full if we ourselves struggling or if we don't know how to recognize when our members are struggling. So, I would have added that to my talk this afternoon. I really hope I can be a part of the 1/2 day workshop either in the form of presenter or in the form of participant. I'm not sure I'll be here after convention. We are having our convention in October. I hope to be the EOC representative. I know that I represent the component well and I will have to ensure that the membership is aware of the work I do while I'm here.

I should get a chance to say this during tomorrow's meeting time :) I might. We'll see what my reflection presents and what the day suggests I should do...you know what I mean.

Otherwise, the day has gone really well. I'm now reading two more books. Okay, I just picked up the first one to start reading:

So far, I give it two thumbs up. I am going to have to find myself a Buddhist group to latch onto in Whitehorse. Everything I've read tells me I really shouldn't zazen or meditate by myself. I mean doing this could lead me to believe I'm the numero uno chick on the planet and I'm destined to lead people to the water and allow them to drink of the wealth of fantasticness I have thought about or not thought about during meditation. If I ever ask you to please carry with your a roll of quarters to a secret location not to be announced until you are on your way and alone on your cellphone - please don't. Please call the authorities and ask them to gently admit me to the local emergency room. Please. I will continue to sit and relish in my quiet time practice until I find the right teachers - of course any teacher will do. I am right now thinking that Brad Warner and Noah Levine are the teachers for me...so we'll see. I need to research this some and really try and find someone in the Whitehorse area. I wonder if there are any teachers out there who do this sort of sitting thing via Skype. Maybe that will be my medium...huh? What do you think? Will you sit with me on Skype?

Alright, time to finish watching the hockey game and the Boston Bruins relinquish their chance to head to the Stanley Cup one game earlier than need be. I guess Tampa Bay just score a-frickin-gan turning the game to 4-2 in their favour. Shyte. Oh well, I've always got my books to appease me. :) My thoughts aren't that bad either...and the recognition that we are where we are and we're here to experience what we experience and the good and the bad are all okay and inevitable. M'eh - time for bed :) One of the comforts of a hotel room? Television in the bedroom...I don't allow it at home...hehe don't say anything about me liking it :)

Common Compassion

2011-05-23T13:14:00.000-07:00

First time for me being at work after a co-worker has died. It seems to me that we all grieve differently with little bits all colliding in common. When speaking with each other, it is best to use a little common compassion. It's more than common sense. People grieving sometimes don't present with their senses all in the correct order. Give people patience and compassion and you're off to a good start.

I've also noticed that grief will present as a reminder of past loss - death or otherwise. Recent death seems to give rise to emotions of loss allowing someone the opportunity to process that which has been left un-dealt.

Now for tomorrow's Celebration.

We are now a couple of days after the Celebration of Life for my friend, Emile. He was my co-worker. I wonder where that line between friend and co-worker lies. Do you know what I mean? Emile and I never intentionally had coffee together or went to the movies. One time he picked me up for work when I was without vehicle. That was nice. He made me a CD - that was nice. I can't remember the name of the guy but I remember listening to it and thinking how cool it was that Emile made me a CD. I love music. We were pleasant with each other and sometimes we even shared personal stories. That was nice. The sharing of personal stories. I guess friends and coworkers can be one in the same. I guess if we just show each other common compassion when struggling through what life determines necessity, we can all be friends.

Origin:
before 900; Middle English friend, frend, Old English frēond friend, lover, relative (cognate with Old Saxon friund, Old HighGerman friunt ( German Freund ), Gothic frijōnds ), orig. presentparticiple of frēogan, cognate with Gothic frijōn to love

I got the above from Dictionary.com. I looked up a definition on urbandictionary.com, but I think I'm too old to resonate with what's written. It's all nice, but really - is a friend someone who would die for you? Really? Another person wrote that a friend is someone you would change your opinions for. What does that even mean? I'm happy I'm not a teenager anymore. Perhaps if I read more into what was written it would make better sense...like the person might not change their opinions, but they would care enough about their friend and what the friend finds important that it might be eye opening enough for the other friend so see from the perspective of someone else and understand...maybe that's what the kid meant when he/she wrote it. I don't know.

I am happy to know that friend is connected with the Gothic word meaning 'to love' - that about sums it up right there.
Emile sent me this picture to be used as his identifier on my phone. This way I would have a picture of him on my phone for each time he sent me a text. I never got around to putting it on the phone. I love the picture.

Season 22 Finale! Who's it gonna be?

2011-05-15T21:10:00.000-07:00

You could probably tell me who won...we've got it recorded. It started at 1700hrs here in the west and thankfully satellite TV keeps us current across North America.
So, where were we when we left last week?
We've got Matt, Mike, Andrea, and Grant on Redemption Island
We've got Boston Rob, Ashley, Natalie, and Philthy still strong on the Ometepe Tribe (okay, I know it is technically Murlonio, but that didn't pan out so well at all did it?)
We've got David, Steve, Julie, and now Ralph on Jury Duty.
The others have been at home so long I'm surprised I even continue to write down their names anymore: Francesca, Stephanie, Kristina, Krista, Russell, and Sarita.

The final duel: For the final duel. It ain't a duel though. It's a balancing challenge. Put your foot on one end of a teetertotter with a ceramic vase on the other end. When you let it go, you're out of the game, unless you're the last one that is. Mike, Andrea, Matt, and Grant - Grant was almost out and so was Matt. Mike had to make a quick recovery too and Andrea seems to be the only one after 40 minutes without fault. GRANT is out first. After one hour, Andrea did start to get tired. MATT is out of this challenge and out of this GAME. OMG - hahahaha! Guess your god was just letting you know that this is all an illusion - you are who you are and your faith is what it is - this game ain't gonna change anything. MIKE is out. Maybe there will be an all female alliance and they will get ROB out. This is friggen awesome. Phillip was the only one to clap for Andrea after she won. That was so cool. I'm glad she made it back to the game. I would have maybe been more happy if Matt continued, but this is just as good. No need to speculate on what really didn't happen. Matt's shirt was so dirty. They must be ripe. I bet this way of getting people out of this game takes away the responsibility from the people who vote them out in the first place. They don't need to accept what they did...m'eh.

Phillip seemed pretty happy to Andrea come back. I think he's going to pull out the Gorillion and tear down Boston Rob. Andrea is working the "girl" angle - saying that people thought they were all Rob's puppets. Weird, she's trying to get rid of Phillip...maybe because she doesn't want to go. Ashley is hoping Andrea will join her and Natalie and get rid of Rob or Phil.

Natalie CONTINUES to dig into her armpits....just let it happen. Let the hair grow, we can't see it from here. Rob really wants Ashley out of this game. I think it's a game loser to keep Natalie around - she is the youngest player ever and that will come up during the jury questioning.

Immunity Challenge: balance beam walk and collect some bags along the way...then you go to a puzzle board where you have to put the numbers 1-100 in order. How stupid. The challenges suck this year. One through ten is the first section. Rob is leading with his second bag back. Andrea and Ashley are next. Rob and Ashley aren't that far apart...Rob is a little bit ahead. Natalie and Phil really ain't in the game anymore. Phil is super far behind. Ashley is now leading. She's out for the fourth and final bag. Andrea and Rob finally went out for the forth bag. ASHLEY WINS IMMUNITY again! Rob you're a sucka. Maybe they kept you around because you really aren't that much of a threat. She would have been sent home two times in a row but she won the necklace and she's staying in this game. I hope Rob goes and then Phil wins in the end.

Andrea finally says something about wanting to vote out Rob. Hopefully the other two girls jump on this. I know they don't like Phil and stuff, but they need to let that go. Now Phil and Boston Rob are gathering Natalie and Ashley and Rob announces - "Sorry Andrea, but you're going home tonight." Rob still has the idol. He'll use his idol and then win the whole thing. Damn. Now it seems like they are going to vote out Andrea - because they did a pinky swear that Natalie and Ashley will promise to vote out Phillip out next time. Andrea heard Phil talk to Rob about the whole thing so she went to talk to the other two girls and maybe they will vote out Rob. I hope so. He says that he doesn't need the idol. He ain't that cocky, he'll play it. If he doesn't play it - man, that would be so awesome. I hope he's out of this game. I just don't like that he's so fricken cocky. I mean, okay, if he gets to the final three - I'd vote for him ONLY if Phillip wasn't sitting beside him. If Phil was sitting next to him, I'd vote for Phillip. All of the girls really did kind of ride coattails.

We're at Tribal now. Rob is getting all nervous now. Andrea really did start stirring the shit which was awesome. So, now he's going to play the idol and stay around for one more Tribal. I wonder who will be going to the jury. He is now playing the idol. Smart move on his part. He didn't even need to play it. How can those people be that stupid? Jeff - you're shirt, not my style or is it?

I love that they keep on showing the turtles crossing into the ocean from the beach. Rob is hoping that it's him and the two girls. 10 years and four times on Survivor. He's one challenge away really. He knows that Phil is his biggest threat right now, or does he? I think Natalie might win if she is there with him in the end. She's really going to have to play the, "but I'm just 19" card for the jury. She'll be sincere, I just hope they don't rip her apart emotionally.

Puzzle maze and solve a word phrase puzzle thing. I wonder if they just rigged this year for Rob to win it. I think they may have. Let's see. Rob is supposed to be the best at puzzles and he hasn't really won much to this point in the game. Phil and Rob make it to their first stations. There are three left to go. Ashley got her's and Natalie is kind of slow at the challenges. Ashley dropped one of her bags and I'm not quite sure why. Ashley started to just follow Rob after find the first bag and so they both found their forth bags together and they will be in it to win it. Rob has to win this if he's going to stay in the game. I mean unless they are going to keep him around ONCE again when it wouldn't be smart at all. Phillip and Natalie were so confused the entire time nearly. Ashley followed Rob, but I think she would have found her stuff anyhow. I think it drove Rob a bit batty. Rob says to her "let's just work together" when Ashley was ahead. How fucking stupid are you Ashley? For real? ROB won the final immunity. I hate this game. Rob's all teary and happy. He's going to win this game. Whatever, BR. How is it that he managed to stay for so long? I guess they don't see it from our angle. "It's because of Amber that I'm here again." Linda just said, "she's fucking someone else while you're gone." Then he turns around and says, "now I gotta figure out which one of these idiots I'm going to send home tonight." If he didn't say stupid shit like that, maybe he would be alright. But who am I? I've been slamming him this entire season. Phil has to stay around and they need to get rid of Natalie. If Natalie, Rob, and Phil make it to the final three - Phillip might win this game. If Ashley and Natalie are sitting with Rob, Rob will win. I don't even care right now who wins. I want Phil to win and if Phil is gone I don't care. Natalie might win though. If she's against Rob, people on the tribe might think that it's really great that the youngest player ever beat Boston Rob - the Survivor 'god'. Natalie said she would rather lose Survivor than lose a friend in Ashley. So it could be a tie at the end of this Tribal.

Jeff went through and asked everyone how they convinced Rob to take them to the final three. Why does it take Rob's vote? I'm wondering, really? Ashley thinks she can win this game and that she has a better shot at it than Phil and Natalie. I wonder if Natalie's feelings were hurt and she decides to vote out Ashley. Natalie voted out Ashley. She should have had it go to a tie breaker or something. I hope you win PHIL. :) Time will tell.

I have a question? How is it that Jeff pulls out all the votes we are already sure of first? How is this possible? Do they edit it through? Ashley still thinks that she's the biggest threat Rob could have had in the finals. Maybe she would have been.

EWWWWWwwwwww - they had to blur out Philthy's crotch in his fucsia panties. He admits, "I was never proud to wear these bum coloured undies" and his Great, great, great, great grandfather Jessum Herring would have said, "sometimes all good things come to an end" and he would be pleased to see those things come to an end. Did this dude exist Phil? He burned them up in the fire. He should have kept them, someone would have bought them off e-bay.

Now the jury joins up and the three of them sitting there waiting to get berated. Phil is wearing his red blanket and feather on his forehead. Awesome.

Natalie - Social skills won this for her and brought her this far. She stuck with Rob and this has carried her this far and she deserves to be here. She would be the youngest Survivor winner if they decided to vote for her.

Phil - he had to change his strategy when BR got off the helicopter. Then he turned around and apologized to Rob and then he came up with the "Stealth" thing and that's why he is still here in this game. They are all saying that they owe their game plan to him and that's why he is here. Why the HELL didn't he say that he played like an asshole so someone would take him to the final three.

Boston Rob - I ignored what he said. He's been here "basically 10 years on and off". Whatever, he's been here for 117 days. That's all....there are 3,652 or 3,653 days in a ten year period. So, to me that means he doesn't think about or do anything but Survivor. He loves the game and he probably has stacks and stacks of journals outlining different strategies.

Andrea - she wanted to know who Phillip is. He said he's Phillip Sheppard. Then he told her that if she didn't want to vote for him, she didn't have to. She then asked Natalie why she had a creepy relationship with Rob. Silly questions.

Ashley - got into an argument with Philip. She told him that she didn't want him to talk at all and he continued to. She got pissed with Natalie for not being honest. She then talked about how she put Rob on a pedestal. She didn't ask anyone really any questions.

Grant - you look like an old guy with dreadlocks. It's time for them to go. Or maybe he should keep the hair on his face. He was wearing his comfy yoga pants and a tank. He didn't ask anything.

Ralph - He asked Natalie why she was sticking like glue to Rob. He wants to know how it is that she didn't talk to anyone. He told Phil that he wanted the whole chicken on his head. And Ralph asked him if Phil liked him at all...he said he did and that he liked his work ethic the best.

Matt - he called Rob a liar in the game. He wants to know how he can keep the line drawn and not be all fucked up on the outside.

Julie - She believes that they should all be there sitting humble because they didn't play the game very well. She asked the question, "Would your parents be proud of the way you played?" She said that she wouldn't be proud if she was Natalie's mother because she was Rob's servent the entire game. Then for some reason, Phil said, "to hell with you" to Julie.

Mike - he got closer to god and more inner peace in this game. Did you learn anything about yourselves while you were out here? He actually asked a good question. Natalie is more strong and capable than she realized. She appreciates her family and who she is today. Rob said he learned that he needs to stop playing games and this is the last time that he's playing Survivor. Phil says that he feels blessed and that he can stand on his own and be an outcast and be okay and work through the service and care for his 16 year old son. I want Phil to win SO bad.

Steve - good for you for staying so long. He's proud of her for being 19 and still in the game. He calls Rob a warrior. He apologizes to Phil for being who he is - what an asshole thing to say.

David - no questions. He's going to talk to the jury. He is encouraging everyone to vote for Rob. He is a mind controller and you all bought it and one by one by one, you were all blind-sided. "I'm a lawyer." He doesn't know how to talk to people, he only knows how to talk to juries. Rob didn't even need to do anything.

Now we'll see who wins - everyone is voting. I think Ralph might be on the only one to vote for Phillip. I really hope at least five more vote for him though! I want you to win Phil. I guess Phil wasn't really playing the crazy card, he must really be. If he wasn't he would have said all of that during the jury thing. He would have turned straight and said that he played a jerk-off so someone would take him to the final three. Phil is a handsome guy when he cleans up. Rob won. Woopee. Only good thing? I'm glad Andria got the big money from our work pool.

Grant has hurt feelings and doesn't really want to talk much to Rob anymore. He said that the game is a reflection of who you are in real life and I don't think he likes the person Rob became in the game. Rob said that the relationships are real, but in the end he was trying to win a million dollars for his family. Matt looks good with his hair cut and Grant looks much better with the shorter hair.

One thing I have to say about Rob - he said that he learned some things about Phillip. He knew that if he showed Phil just a little bit of love and attention he would be loyal to him the entire time. Phil grew up in family of 12 and he left home at 16. Was there love between Andrea and Matt? She thinks he's cool and cute and yes. Matt is in Nashville and she's in Wisconsin and they like each other. They showed a picture of Mike out there in his war time - Marine Corp. His heart bleeds green.

Was Phil a special agent for real or not? And so then Phil ends up saying all this stuff about being an asshole during the game so that Rob would keep him around. Why didn't you say anything during the jury questioning or when you were supposed to talk about why you were deserving of winning? That may have gotten you more than one vote. He is in fact a federal agent. Why does everyone give Phil such a hard time. They even interviewed someone to ask if Phil was actually a Federal Agent. Who the fuck cares? Does it matter in the end or what? Dear fucking lord - Rob won the People's Choice award. Unbelievable. Grant is now married. He said he proposed as soon as he landed - he told us they were already engaged. David is proposing to Carolina - she's asking him to shut it down right now. I think she wants to say no, but she's saying yes and she even said something about a blind-side. I thought she was going to say no. That was a really weird thing.

Season 23 - Redemption Island is back. They have 16 newbies and 2 old ones and they will be in the South Pacific.

Standing Witness

2011-05-15T20:47:00.000-07:00

Life is interesting and certain - it ends not much longer after it begins. Sometimes it lasts a very short time and other times it can carry on for a century. Either way, the impact is felt by those standing witness. Standing witness to the joy felt when life takes her first breath - even though she is crying and in pain - Standing witness to the silence as life pushes out the final breath - collectively we feel. My friend is dying in hospital right now. He could be dead as I type these words. I don't know for sure. What I do know is that there isn't much a chance he'll come out of this trauma. I'm in a place of intrigue. I'm thinking about what I'm supposed to be feeling and I then think I should just let myself feel whatever it is I am feeling instead of analyzing the shit out of my own being. I just finished reading a Zen book after all.

I should just type and see what's coming up. There is some ebbing and flowing from emotional centered-ness. At least that's how I'm going to describe it - one minute I'm raking the leaves all zen, another minute I'm crying, and the next minute I'm giggling about some random memory. He had a great laugh. He was a little boy when he was giggling and shy. He could get angry and irksome too. Mixed feelings towards that man at times. I loved him and I at times hated him too. I am certain I love him more than I hated him. I remember a really great conversation we had. This conversation started after - in my opinion - a bit of an argument. I wanted to talk it out with him. I wanted to make sure that the illusion of work related bitterness didn't seed into our relationship. I saw him the day he died. I saw him at Tim Horton's. He sent me a text message while I was listening to music and studying for my boater exam. He asked me what I was doing. When I saw it was from him I looked straight up and there he was waiting in line. I was late getting to my appointment with the supervisor of my test (my friend, Rick). I gathered my book and music and went directly over to him and asked him what was going on and how he was and we shot the shit a little bit about work and if I was on my way there or what-have-you. I teased him about something or other and then I was on my way. He texted me again - ArrrrrRRrrrr, so ye like the sea, do ya? I wish I hadn't deleted that text.

Wherever you are my friend - I am blessed to have known you.

Survivor 22 - Pre-Finale Episode :)

2011-05-15T01:03:00.000-07:00

Holy F I thought this was lost in the cyber world trash can...lucky for me they didn't do a delete on the trash can and it ended up back in my edit posts folder :) Yes.

We're getting down to the wire! I wonder if this coming Sunday will be the date to crown the newest Survivor.

Who's left?
Redemption Island: Matt, Mike, Ralph, and Andrea
Ometepe: Boston Rob, Ashley, Natalie, Philthy, Grant

Who's on the jury?
David, Steve, Julie

Who's home on the range?
Francesca, Stephanie, Kristina, Krista, Russell, and Sarita

Who will go to Redemption next? I truly hope that it's Boston Rob...however, I don't want him to have that amazing come back from Redemption and all that nonsense. Who will it really be though? Probably Ashley. She hasn't done too much.

Ashley loves a good blindside. I hope she loves it when she's the next one. Rob gets all nervous because Ashley and Natalie were talking. Natalie is interested in keeping it real with Rob - silly girls. BR thinks Ashley is sneaky. He's been waiting 10 years to get to this point. He needs this all to go just right and he has to keep control. I hope his ass gets voted out soon. If he wins - I won't be able to say that he's not a good player.

I'm torn - do I like the vocal singing? Matt was most hurt by Andrea and then she showed up at Redemption and it didn't seem like she even said hi to Matt. Andrea says that Matt is always giving her evil eyes at the duels. She called him on being all wishy-washy and having a heart to heart with Rob so I think she got him with that one. Ralph didn't offer up his place on the area where they sleep because when she was on Ometepe they didn't offer them anything when they did merge. She was crying quit a bit at the 'duel'. They really need to change the name of this fricken thing - this is not two people.

They have to compete in a maze thing and then they have to put together a puzzle. Ralph is kicking some serious ass. He's already working on the second section. Mike was next and then Matt...Andrea was last. Now they are all working on the puzzle. Matt was quite calm through the entire thing. Ralph has fallen behind and the other three are getting there. Mike has finished his puzzle. Andrea keeps copying off of Ralph...cheater. "You will become a member of the jury and that blows," Jeff - thanks a lot. Ralph is now in the jury. He didn't win. He did so well at the beginning of the duel.

Rob thinks that he's got more heart in this game than anyone else. He is now seeing that Redemption Island is going to throw a wrench into his game plan. He wants it to be over with now.

Baby Monkey inserted here:

I think Natalie should have some rice. They are cranky and tired and exhausted and they don't want to eat all of their food. Ashley doesn't want to eat the rice. I think she should. Grant wants to get rid of Ashley. Philthy thinks that Grant should eat and he was getting in Andrea and Natalie's faces. "Don't lie on me." All Phil tried to tell the young ladies that they just don't need as much rice to eat - which is correct. Oooh! Natalie just said that Grant and Rob are 'normal' and this is why they argue with him and not them. Now Rob is calling Phil crazy...the girls were yelling "psycho" at Phil. I wish they would listen to what he says. Rob just threw Grant under the bus telling Natalie that Grant wants to get rid of Ashley. Ashley is going to try and get a big move going here. I like what Phil has done. He is yelling at both of the girls so that they are closer and closer. She went to Rob and Natalie on how to get rid of Grant. She thinks it would be the best plan. Rob just gave him his word that he will not vote him out.

I don't know...why is it that Rob has never been on the list of people to go? I guess he was when Matt had that great idea and then flipped.

Anyone else hate the saying, "Threw him under the bus"? Where does that originate? Not nice at all. Scary in fact.

Cool - they made a swing thing and it looks like fun. Rob has promised Natalie once again that he has her back. He is pretty excited to get rid of Ashley so I think that means she's going to win immunity tonight and then what are you going to do? Will you go back on your word to a sweet and innocent 19 year old girl and vote her out? Will Natalie be the next one sent? Or will he go against Grant?

Immunity Challenge? With one hand they have to do like a barrel of monkeys kind of thing and grab a puzzle bag and then they have to put the puzzle together...it ends up being like a fish type of thing. Grant is ahead right now. Phil second and then Rob with their first sections done. Natalie sucks at this puzzle. Ashley is kicking butt for sure. She's in the lead with Grant just behind. Ashley is the first one back with the last section of the puzzle...Rob is right behind him. Phil is working on it too. ASHLEY wins IMMUNITY and reward. I knew she was going to win. HAHAHAHAHA - suckas. She also got reward. It is a 3 course meal. AWESOME - she picked Natalie for the reward. The two girls - hahaha. I'm so happy about this right now. I think though, they might think about getting rid of Natalie so that they don't have that solid two alliance. You know, even though they are in a pretty strong three way alliance - Rob, Grant, and Phil.

I'm pretty sure Grant is getting voted out tonight. Unless he finally wakes up and asks for the immunity idol they found together. Rob is exhausted because he has to do all this dirty work because he doesn't want them to start thinking about voting him out. So, he has chosen to do all this dirty work to save himself. Are they calling Phil Shemp? Or are they calling him Chef? So, Grant believes that Natalie is going home. Grant is pretty sure that he can trust Rob. Doubt it.

The girls got some great food - nachos, pizza, chocolate cake, pasta with white sauce, cheese cake...tonnes of food. They are all stuffed and feeling sick. They are so skinny. They really could use it. Rob is sitting there eating boring old rice. So, now Rob is nervous and he will end up voting out Natalie.

Rob never feels vulnerable and he just lied at the tribal meeting. Why the hell is it okay that the three men have a tight alliance and it's not okay for the girls? I am perplexed by the gender disparity shit that happens in this game. They need a woman alongside Jeff Probst to balance it out a bit more.

Sorry S.R. - Grant is engaged and he's crying because he loves her so much - he has a great gift out there - her beautiful spirit is back there waiting for him at home. Rob even got to talk about how much he loves his wife and his daughter. Boo hoo...they make money being on the show and they have a chance to win a million dollars. Guess they are just tired. Will Grant say anything about this hidden immunity idol when/if he is voted off? Best thing Rob could have done is vote out Natalie. He did vote out Grant! I can't believe it. He's a sucker. I hope Natalie beats him in the end. Jeff keeps on saying that only one person will return to the game from Redemption. Even when he was talking to cameras, he didn't think that Rob could have betrayed him. Funny thing? Both Phil and Rob voted his ass to the island. Sucka.

Time to Eat Your Own Ometepe

2011-05-05T15:35:00.000-07:00

Who will Survive the Island of Redemption? Will it be our saviour, Matt? Perhaps the veteran, Mike? What about Steve, the All American NFL man? Or will we have to say goodbye to a good ole boy from the Suth'n States?

Only time will tell.

Dinner of shrimp and scallops (garlic and butter of course), asparagus and other veggies (all steamed) are on the menu for tonight. Side Note: Mom and Dad went out this weekend 'sparagrass hunting in the ditch banks.

I don't know, I'm just not that into Jeff Probst anymore. Do you think he's what Bob Barker was to the Price is Right? I wonder if Bob went though a 'not so much' phase.

Oh wonderful, Ometepe is the first tribe to punt out all of the other tribe...historically in the game the tribe with the most numbers tends to eat their own before it's over.

"Redemption Island" - Ralph arrives and SURPRISE here's Steve! Everyone is so tripped out that he is there. Matt is so happy to be able to rejoice in the company. All Zapatera is on the jury so far. If one of the Zapetera makes it to final three - they have got a great shot.

My tea water has boiled. Decaf Earl Gray. I already had a Yukon Vodka and Cranberry.

Cheetah!

Andrea looks creepy in the night vision camera. Natalie is crying and she doesn't know why - hormone tears. She got emotional because now they have to start knocking everybody off and then she got home sick. Apparently she has been mature beyond her years and then other times her youth shines through. She's only 19. Rob needs to take care of her because she is his main alliance. He just wants to keep each member happy so that they don't realize that he's the one that should be going. Man, he is so good at playing the fucking game! I can't believe. He's like a master manipulator. Linda thinks he's only ever thinking about the game and he's now perfected the process internally. I don't know if Rob is thinking properly...Natalie is only 19 years old and could end up being the youngest person in the history of the game to win if he brings her to finals.

Oh wonderful a Samsung phone - smart phone I think. Shameless plug for the phone.

Via the phone are videos of loved ones: Natalie's mom misses her and daddy is very proud and can't wait to see her. How nice. Mother's Day is this weekend. Andrea's dad is creepy looking, but sounds sincere. Phillip and Rob had their sisters represent and Grant's brother in law told him his (Grant's that is) sister is pregnant. Ashley's mom gave a shout out.

The Redemption kids got videos of their loved ones too. Ralph's buddy told him - his cows are doing great and a couple of the chickens got killed 'doah. Mike's mom - Iraq war vet got to be more connected with his mother while he was in the service. Steve's brother cried. Matt's brother - super cutie. Samsung - did you make the Redemption kids take their picture to show how great the pixilation is? It's the EPIC 4-G from Sprint. I couldn't find a picture of that group of four. I thought it would have been published by now for sure. Guess not.

This is the family time day. Winner of the duel gets it. Four tiles, toss metal ball, and crash them tiles. They get to win love from home. Cool. I bet they gotta pick someone from the Ometepe tribe. Mike is the only one after round one that broke a tile. Matt gets one in the second round. Mike's at 2. Ralph joins in and Steve too. Matt is up to two and Mike is at 3 and Ralph is up there with 2 as well. Steve fucked it up. Matt goofed and Mike stays on Redemption Island. He won the love from family. Two more stay alive with someone going home. Steve misses again - what kind of NFL playa were you? Matt and Ralph are up to 3. Steve MISSES again - dude's going home. MATT stays alive - woot! Ralph as well lives for another day in reality TV. Burn your buff biatch.

Grant's mom Jane looks amazing according to him. Matt's brother Burton and Ralph's buddy Ronnie come on out. Grant can give love those two guys or he can GIVE LOVE to EVERYONE left in the entire game (Ometepe). Man, this would suck arse. Oooh! bible reference....love your brother like you would love yourself. He's going to give the love to the most people and this is the only play here. The talk began with Jesus being asked what the best commandment was and it was love your brother as you love yourself. So, he thought it would be best to give out the most love that he possibly could.

Ralph wished he would have spent the time with his mother tonight because he wants him to not look that great. He was also pissed because he wasn't there for the rest of the people and he would have spent the time with his mom if he could have. Mike asked God and it was what God wanted him to do to help him win the game. He really thinks this is going to win him some votes. I don't think the other tribe is going to care after the family leaves the island. I don't know though...I think he made the right choice though. When you think about it, you know regardless of whether or not it gets him votes if he makes it to final three or two. He won't get there though, the other 2 he sits against will want him gone because he did a nice thing.

So the Ometepe tribe got to spend the entire day with their family. Andrea's dad was pretty sweaty...like from armpit to middle chest. Natalie has never been away from home more than two weeks. That's so nice. She can push through this.

Pierre-Luc Dusseault, a 19-year-old student of applied politics at the Universite de Sherbrooke, now becomes the youngest member of Parliament in Canadian history.

If a 19 year old Canadian can be a Member of Parliament - you can win Survivor honey! Sweet! Phil is going to Dominate! His sister empowered him so much. Rob's sister looks SO BORED. I think Linda is right, I think Rob spends day and night dreaming and thinking about this game. Amber must be happy he's not there right now, she can get a break and get their daughter some therapy (ouch, I thought about taking it out, but that was after I saw the picture of them as a family - Ima leave it in though).

Cute kid!

I wonder if he compares everything in life to the game of Survivor. I bet he comes out with the next best greatest self help analyze and learn to breathe through Survivor Meditation book in about ten years when he comes back for some 25th year anniversary of Rob's first take on Survivor. I know...it's going to be in book stores by August.

Rob is playing Natalie and Grant. Why did Rob get a shirt that says Love you Dada with a picture of his wife and kid? Why did he get something? I don't understand. Did everyone get something? Do you think Amber got a cheque because they let her use her image in the game?

Ooooh! Creepy alimagator thing. Or maybe it was a giant Lizard. Uphill Battle for immunity. Apparently there are only eight days left. Andrea is probably going to Redemption if she doesn't win immunity. He believes that she knows the most strategically about this game - well after Rob and Grant of course. They know exactly what's going on in this game. I honestly think Grant is not that bright. I really don't t think he is.

hurry!

Wow - they combined puzzle and stairs. It looks pretty high up.

"Whatever you have in your tank, you need to use it right now." I'm inspired, thanks Jeff. Andrea is in the lead and onto her second set. Natalie is no longer in this game. Andrea is again in the lead and Rob picked the wrong board and has fallen behind. Shoot! Andrea made a big mistake too. Rob and Grant are the ones to watch out for and it's a 110 degrees out today. Grant and Rob are on the third set. I haven't even heard Philthy's name in this one. Grant is falling behind...2 mistakes in a row and Rob is sucking air tired. "He is literally carrying his family on his back". Nice one Jeff. What Jeff was referring to is the t-shirt that his sister was allowed to bring him and it has an image of Amber and their daughter on the back...shameless showing of Amber - cha-ching. Rob only has to get to the last step and he has won the challenge. Andrea and Rob each have one left and Rob is running with his shoelaces undone. Would have been awesome if he tripped. I'm sorry, that's not nice. Rob is exhausted. He killed his legs. Now he's going to pass out or something. He's going to be sick. He's cramping. I hope he gets sent home. The people that were right close to him aren't even this tired. The tribe had to help him stand up and then he almost fell over. He's a'ight though - "let's go back to camp." They all look pretty pissed that he won immunity.

Rob's gold and he gets to pick who is going home. Apparently Andrea is going home and she thinks Phil is the one that will go. They made a plan and now Rob is super annoyed with Phil. He just told the camera that he believes if he annoys everyone enough, they will take him to the final three so that he can sit beside them at the very end ... only two choices, why not pick the one that didn't annoy you. However, Phillip knows that Rob and Grant have the immunity idol. Philthy is going to expose that dirty little secret soon! I hope it's tonight at tribal. SWEET. Don't fail me now Philthy boy.

The jury joins the game.

Andrea - When someone asks you if you are worried or not, they are talking about you - no one else, just you. Natalie gets treated like a kid - Are you scared? Is this exciting? She said nope. Philip, it could be you tonight? What are you doing? Are you giving up...Hmmm, Philip is 52 and that kind of endurance challenge was not his forte. Natalie - are you a target 'cause you can win the game and you are competitive? Grant - are you playing a psychological game? Of course because you can tell when someone is fake and when someone is real. Awesome and informative Grant. Phil has no alliances broken, he's the senior statesman and he leads by example and he's someone you want around this game. And Jeff is sure that no one feels worried tonight. This is a tough decision and Rob is happy that he's wearing the necklace. One more question for Phillip, "What would your great grandfather say to you right now, "he would say you've done everything right so far in this game and hold the faith." He should have blown that idol out of the water right then and there. That was his chance. Shakespeare couldn't have scripted it better.

Andrea was blind-sided: You're out of here! How stooopid though! They are worried about her alliance with Matt, so let's put her over there so they can work on getting their relationship corrected and they can start taking over everyone with even greater strength.

Ometepe: Rob (Harper), Grant (yoga instructor), Philthy (destination domination), Ashley (giggle), and Natalie (19).

Redemption Island: Matt (Jesus' son), Mike (war veteran), Ralph (chicken and cow farmer), and Andrea (Mary of Magdalene).

Jury Duty: Steve (NFL old guy), Julie (buff old gal), and David (puzzler).

Home Skillets: Francesca, Krista, Russell, Kristina, Sarita, and Stephanie.

Splash of Cold Water.

2011-04-28T02:31:00.000-07:00

Where'd the 'real' go from my writing? I've been so caught up in ensuring that I write about reality TV and indie music so that the greatness of the art can be exposed and forgot about the greatness of reflective writing. I also forgot about the goodness of being vulnerable and honest. The last few posts are seeming kind of surface'y' and impersonal...fun to write nonetheless.

It's nearing 2am and sleep has eluded me for the past couple of hours. I found it initially after reading a few pages of Mindsight by Daniel Siegel. I'm into it. I'm interested. I'm a bit stuck in the beginning because I'm trying really hard to understand the little brain science he's introducing me to in the first part of the book. I will get through it, I guess I should keep in mind that this is a book of substance and not light literature or fiction. I should take my time with it and absorb it and understand it as best as I can all the while being gentle with myself because I really don't need to get it first time 'round. So, I fell asleep just after 11pm and woke just after midnight reciting all the things I neglected to do on my last day of work. I was beating myself up mentally because I decided to participate in an hour long activity with staff and youth instead of ensuring I filed a few loose papers, send one more e-mail, get the work request out, did that shift get covered, and damn it all I forgot to call so-and-so back. I tried all the breathing stuff I was certain I had mastered...anchor in your breath, count, review your entire day from beginning until you fall asleep, put my thoughts in an imaginary inbox for the morrow, until I finally got up out of bed and played online poker, checked out my stats, and finally read blog postings by friends - Inspiring! Wonderful! Honest reflections of their experiences were met with a thirst for real people living real lives and THAT's what I love to read about and THAT's what I love to write about - Thank you.

Forgetting to call someone back when I should have made the time to call back really fucked me up tonight. I didn't realize it until I was all the sudden awake in the middle of the night and here I am. I am not happy with myself right now. I was going to call and then I forgot (legitimately) and then I thought, later, I'll call later and then well and then I put it off again until I forgot until I was wide eyed in the earliest part of the day. I got my ass out of bed and sent this person an e-mail apologizing for not responding. I tend to beat myself up more than necessary over these things...I think it's because I know I should have called and there is nothing I can do to change it - only thing to do is accept what I didn't do and try and make a change in behaviours that keep me awake at night. But, if it was that important, they would have called back...it can't be all me, right?

Overall, my week has been great. I love it when I go through the 'e-motions' those things which cause us to find movement. I was so frustrated yesterday and today rocked my world. Life amazes me. And now I'm nearly ready to find my way upstairs to my bed for sleepy, sleepy time.

I guess the round about lesson for today is: don't stop being real - don't make writing work-related, leave it life-related and keep having fun with it. I was getting all stressed because the next indie rock playlist is out in less than a week and I hadn't finished the review for April yet and the Survivor update was definitely out later than it should have been for last week's episode and I started to feel disappointed...Jezus. Who cares about that stuff anyhow? I put too much stock in that kind of thing and get carried away...I should just focus on me and reading all these awesome books I shamelessly purchased in the last week.

Lightbulb - do I have PMS right now? am I engaging in negative thinking and overindulging in binge-like shopping for books? Now that's something to gnaw on and get over. "All behaviour has meaning" and that includes me. And btw self, good for you for taking the time to have fun at work. That's the point isn't it? :)

2011-04-27T21:31:00.000-07:00

This week on Survivor! I am still interested in this season. I do have to say though, they really orchestrated a great beginning to the season. I fell in like with nearly every character and now I'm not sure if the ones I liked best are still around. I'm having a hard time keeping keen on what's going on each week. I'll admit, last week I just wasn't feeling it like I usually do. I'm hoping this week brings back some of the oomph I've grown accustomed to.

On a side note: Boston just won game 7 against the Montreal Canadians. Sweet. Now they will face off against the Philadelphia Flyers. I wish they would have spelled flyers with a ph (phlyers). I've an interest in turning words with fs into words with phs. It's a thing I suppose. Not too sure where I gleaned it from, but there it is.

Will Matt continue on his journey in this game? Will his lord wish him to remain in this game? Will Matt realize that he needs to fight for his right to party? Will Julie prevail knocking him out? Will Mike be the grand champion once again on the Island? Do you think Mike took over reign of the Island of Misfits? Aka Redemption Island.

Let's see what this week brings to Survivor!
Okay, get on with the weekly update. If you ain't watch it last week, read my blog instead :) Shameless plug to those of you who do read it...pardon me.
Steve and Phil make amends. Sort of. Phil isn't sure Steve is sincere in his apology. Steve wasn't really apologizing for thinking Phil is crazy - he just felt bad that Phil thought he was racist. Steve wanted to ensure Phil understood that he is not a racist.
Rob, "Phillip's under my protection." Hahaha! Smart move, I guess...however, I would really like to see Phil win and hopefully the other members of BR's tribe are pissed that he keeps Phil around longer than the rest of 'em.
Ooooh! Phil had another vision and I'm pretty sure he said Jessup (full-blooded Cherokee btw) was his great, great grandfather - anyhow, he was told that he would find his shorts. And he found them! That's awesome. "Don't mess with the undercover specialist." He even got the most famous quote wrong..."You can't stand the truth." Come on.
I do think it's kind of awesome that he found those shorts and hey, maybe GG Jessup showed him the way. Fricken awesome.
On the island of misfits - is it really that bad out there? I do wonder. Matt is declining mentally right now. He's wasting away and missing his family. He's having a hard time talking without crying - wow, the honesty and ability to show his vulnerability is beautiful - he really is you know.
Matt (21 days on Redemption), Mike, and Julie enter the ring. Matt is at peace with whatever happens to him - whether he goes home or stays in the game. I wonder if he really will try his hardest still. Slide your puck through the board to touch the endzone without going off - BOSTON WON TONIGHT!

I bet that's why they have a hockey-type challenge. They have to go through obstacles. Mike has one already. They need three or something like that. Mike has 2 now. Julie has one. Matt has one. Andrea is all hurt because Matt didn't give her the eyes and smile at her...he just pushed air out his nose like a little dragon at her. He just got safe! He's staying on Redemption Island. It's now between Mike and Julie. Mike stays safe and Julie is hitting Jury Duty. It was almost like - oh fuck off, Jeff...Jesus did a fast for 40 days and Survivor is 39 days - WOW how ironic and cool. Survivor is religion. Now Julie is going to find a church! You know what? Good for her. She's going to try and find something to help give her strength. Julie's house is in foreclosure and she was trying to win this game to save her house. Nobel. However, she is now the second person on the jury.
BR is listening hard to the girls talking - Andrea, Natalie, and Ashley. Andrea thinks Matt is kind of pissed at her...you think? She's all upset and guilty "on a human level, not on a game level" for voting out Matt. BR and Grant are now gunning for Andrea. Maybe she's going to end up going home before Steve and Ralph...here's hoping.
Immunity Challenge - does he have to say, "Once again Immunity is up for grabs." They are doing a log roll. Last person standing wins. The reward? CHOCOLATE CAKE. Fuckers, I want some. Trying to watch calories right now and one smaller snickers bar is 220. My FAVOURITE. I'm going to have one soon. I'm having one soon.

And I got it from here

Grant and Rob are matched up first and Grant wins and moves on! YES! I'm so happy Rob is out. Andrea and Ashley are next and Andrea just fell in seconds. Awesome. Steve is up against Ralph. Ralph moves on! Yes! I miss Ralph, they should show him more. Natalie is going up against Phillip. Philthy is moving on! Sweet. Ashley and Grant - Grant wins and moves on to the final. Next round is Ralph and Phil - Ralph did this weird hand clap thing...I hope he wins and YES it's between Ralph and Grant. C'mon Ralphie boy! Crap. Grant won. Rob is much too happy about this. I hope he doesn't invite Rob to eat the cake with him. ONE person - he's struck and invited Rob. Ralph, "I ain't a gay person" he just wanted to be picked. He chose Andrea. Interesting. What's the twist? There is a twist hidden in a wrapped satchel. They can only eat for two minutes. Grant just said that he wanted Andrea to feel comfortable so he can blind side her with less guilt.
SWEET! Whale tail shots. Interesting point - while looking up different photos for whale tales, I had no idea that they use the same term for the showing of thong underwear much like a plumber's crack. Learn something new everyday I guess.

Ralph, I can't understand you.
Rob, "this is what's going on right now." He wants to keep Steve around because he believes that Steve is no longer in this game. Ralph is still in the game and is a physical threat so Ralph is going home first. Straight away Ashley threw Andrea under the bus and now they are going to vote out Andrea if they have to vote out two people. They aren't allowed to see what is in the package until they get to tribal. Steve tried to talk to Natalie and Ashley about voting out Rob and making a real change in this game because "he's going to take nimrod with him."
Andrea believes that they are all rock solid, but that's stupid...you can't all go to the finals. You will have to start eating your own. I can't stand Rob right now. They are realizing that Steve is not quitting because he used to be in the NFL and he ain't a quitter. Ralph made one final call out to the other tribe to get Rob out now. Jeff thinks that Rob hasn't betrayed Amber since the alliance he made with her...we don't know that for sure.
Rob doesn't play his hidden idol...I hope he goes...but he won't...12th person voted out - Ralph. Fuck sakes. Man are they silly...unless they are using Rob to get rid of everyone else first and then they ditch him.
Ooohhh...the twist - Nice another immunity challenge and then they have to vote out another member. I hope Steve wins! My prayers are out there! I guess I might be late since I'm watching it after it has all happened.
Memorization game - symbols shown and then you have to repeat. Let's see how it goes. Natalie and Phil are the first ones out. Grant and Andrea are now out. ROB wins immunity - fuck. I'm so pissed. Steve is going to Redemption Island. Or is he? Yes, he's gone. Man, it's going to get ugly...everyone on the former Ometepe tribe is super excited that Steve just got voted out without realizing that they are going to have to start down the line...first, Andrea. After that, Grant.

Next week on - something destroys everything that they've built so far. I'm not sure what Rob was referring to, but we'll see. Now there are four people on Redemption Island - nearly tied up as I thought it might end up being. Redemption really will be a redemption.

Murlonio (Ometepe)
Rob, Andrea, Ashley, Grant, Phil, Natalie (order of elimination if they don't change their patters - Andrea, Grant, Natalie - and no twists are introduced)

Redemption
Matt, Mike, Ralph, Steve (order of elimination - wait this one is harder to peck out since they were bullied out of the game and all have talent)

Jury Duty
David, Julie (you weren't destined to remain)

Home on the range
Francesca, Russell, Krista, Kristina, Stephanie, Sarita (might have been more interesting if Russell remained in the game)

BIRP! April 2011

2011-04-25T12:54:00.000-07:00

I'm going to be honest here - there was no way I could pick out only 10 from this month's list. There was just no way. Okay, I could have been arbitrary and such, but I didn't want to do that and I thought, "this is something I do for fun and I can have as many songs on this list as I like." So, I followed my gut and here we are...24 this month. I hope you enjoy.

Kiko (103 Words): Absofacto & 10k Cities - Sounds like Tokyo Police Club once you move past the first little intro. I like it. I like it a lot. I like TPC, don't get me wrong here. Check out Absofacto on FaceBook and watch the video if you like:

Counting Sheep: Acrylics I'm going to be honest, you sound like Bright Eyes :) and that's a good thing.

Lose It: Austra -
Your voice is amazing. The beat is infectious. I want to cry and I want to dance and I want to sing
all at the same time.

Afraid of the Dark: Big White Clouds

WONDER OF WE feat. STEFFALOO: BILLY COMFORT - in the opening beats of this song, I'm caught. There was no way I was leaving this one out of the list.

Real Life: Brothertiger - This one isn't my favourite brothertiger, but that's relative right? I mean I LOVE brothertiger, so to have one that's not as good as another still leaves it better than most everything else.

Belonging: Clock Opera - diggin' the piano introduction and then comes the voice of the phantom. Ha. I love it.

Boring Horror (Sundance Remix): GOBBLE GOBBLE - WAHOOO! Apparently I know someone who knows this guy. That's awesome. I think that means 2 degrees of separation doesn't it? Sweet. We are like best of friends now.

The Dinosaurs of Cabazon: Jacob 2-2 - This song is still here because they use a cut from one of the greatest movies of all time, The Wizard staring Fred Savage. They mixed in the famous, "California"the little autistic boy said when he was trying to get his friend or brother or someone to take him to California to win a video game competition. "California".

White Hill: A Little Nothing

Flying Canoes: Lukestar

Damn These Vampires: The Mountain Goats

Lighthouse: NewVillager

Honey Touches: Ponytail

Forget That You're Young: The Raveonettes

Laws Of Gravity: Rubik

Nomenclature: The Seedy Seeds

How Will I Copulate? (Moranis Mashup feat. Whitney Houston): Star Slinger - OMG I love this remix. I'm listening to it everywhere I go; sitting in training courses, driving car, walking dog, writing blog, reading, eating breakfast - everywhere - even in the shower. I can't stop. Thank-you Star Slinger for bringing me back to some good memories and also letting me giggle a little at the quick and high voice of Whitney (as it should always be).

Please Stay: Summer Heart - sway a little bit wherever you may be, gently tap your heal, and then hum along and you'll share the experience I had with Please Stay by Summer Heart. Such a feel good summer song - late night like in Whitehorse end of July and it's still almost bright out and you reach for a sweater. A good night. Okay, so these folks are no where to be found on the internet...okay, I did only try and look for about ten minutes. Meh, I tried...you can find something out about them I'm sure on the BIRP! website.

Eleven (ft. tUnE-yArDs): Thao and Mirah

My Country: Tune-Yards

6 Billion: Whale Tooth

Mateo: Yohuna

Anthems for a Seventeen Year-Old Girl (Broken Social Scene Cover): Young Buffalo

Survivor 22! Let Jury Duty Begin!

2011-04-24T20:58:00.000-07:00

Dieting sucks. Okay, I'm being dramatic. Dieting does not suck - plug - not when you're using the Lose it! App from the App Store! I'm actually enjoying it. I watch what I put into my body and ensure that I exercise enough so I can still put some crap in it - like the Glenfiddich and ice I see before me. I've been nursing it for about an hour now. I bought a couple of those airplane bottles a few months ago and there they sat on the counter for an occasion to drink them. Linda decided today was the day we would crack 'em open. She's done her's and mine is slowly being transformed by melting ice. I'll finish it, I'm sure.

Right now I'm reading "The Help" by Kathryn Stockett. I was compelled by the NPR.org quote right on the front cover, "This could be one of the most important pieces of fiction since To Kill a Mockingbird...If you read only one book...let it be this one." Dear lord, with further inspection of that quote and knowing a little something about how to properly quote or misquote if you will, I now wonder what was written between the 'book...let it be this one' section. There could have been another book title in there. All that being said, I have started reading and find myself already absorbed by minimum four characters.

Survivor is on tonight! I can't wait.
My top three:
Philthy, Matt, and Ralph. I used to have Andrea up there because I thought she was going to stay cool through the entire show and her and Matt were going to be able to hog tie BR and toss him overboard. Alas, this did not happen. Ralph ranked higher on the list earlier in the season with his funny southern way and farmer frame of mind. Alas, he's a paranoid kinda guy right now. He seems to dislike what's going on and he misses being in control. You know though, it might just be that hes' not in the cool crowd and this reminds him of his school days...maybe, you never know. I wonder how hard it would be to sit there and not be in the 'popular' crowd? I would hate it. I know I would. Who am I kidding? I did hate not being a part of that cool crowd. I might be able to overcome some stuff as long as I was not alone. There would have to be at least one other person in the muck with me.
Julie, Ralph, and Steve are going to have to put together a wonderfully choreographed ballet in order to maintain life on the show as we know it. However, I think we will be heading in a different direction. I believe we are going to get the two islands each numbered the same and then they will merge once again. That would be so awesome. Rob would surely find himself at the bottom of that pile.

Oh yeah! Philthy got the second highest metal given out by the United States Army during peace time.

Damn, I was wrong about the Redemption Island scenario. The three of them are going to be heading to battle. Matt is praying like crazy right now, he's not sure what's going on. He wants to be out of the game apparently, but he's not going to stop fighting for his lord. Interesting. I wonder where he was brought up.

The tribes in Murlonio eat separately. Steve is sure that Phil is crazy like it's going out of style. Phil was praying in some interesting language before he put his feather on his head. Maybe his grandfather Jessup taught him some prayers.

Now he is meditating on the rock over-looking the ocean. He is now talking about some Buddhist-type God thing. He was focusing on his ancestors during his meditation. I really don't know if he's crazy or not.

Julie, Steve, and Ralph are eating up all their food. They have so much food, but the other tribe is dwindling in food supply. Phil is pissed about it, so he's going to steal their food. He's stealing and believes the rice belongs to all the members of the tribe. They didn't feel that way when the numbers were closer. This is a crazy psychological game - ain't it? I would like to come up with some questions and follow these people...you know, like three months before and for three months after or something like that. I wonder when that book will come out - "Is there Redemption after Survivor?"

Everyone is able to witness the dual on Redemption Island. Battle? Tiles stacking up eight feet done much like making a house of cards. In fact they have to build a 'traditional house of cards'. Mike is winning at this time....six feet high for Mike, Matt next, and then David. We'll see, Mike is in a very nerve wracking situation - he only has to place one more card and the whole thing is so shaky and the other two are nearing the hieght needed. Mike is the first one to stay alive. Matt is next and David is the first member of the jury. I didn't feel that connected to David, I'm not too bummed out that he's gone. 25 days and Dave is gone. He is the first member of the jury :) Rob is all choked about Matt staying in the game. Those two stay on Redemption and await their next rival.

'The Rice Wars' - hahaha! Grant and Rob were singing those words with the "America Fuck Ya" theme from that puppet movie. Okay, so Philthy thought it was a good idea to steal rice from the other tribe. THEN they realized that their container was cracked and they got a maggot infestation in the rice. So, they poured out all their rice onto a blanket and now Phil is begging for the rice pot from the other side of the tribe. Phil turned it into a race thing when Steve called him crazy. I don't think it's a race thing, I think it's a mental health thing. Steve and Julie don't want to give them space in their rice container. Phil is the chief of counter intelligence and an expert in 'wing Chun kung fu'. He also said he was ready to lose it because that's what some black men do, they lose it. Phil is ANGRY that they think he's crazy and he can't stop it. "You don't know me. I never been to jail." I'm upset right now. I guess Phil is sick and tired of getting called crazy after asking sane questions. I mean the questions are sane, but they aren't in the right order of things and he's forgetting everything that he's done in the past. I mean, he did steal their rice first and then they realized that their rice pot had maggots in it and now he is requesting to TAKE their rice container so that the good rice they were able to save doesn't go bad. He shouldn't have stolen it in the first place and then when they noticed that their rice had gone bad, perhaps Julie, Steve, and Ralph would have offered to help out a bit...maybe. They treat them all like shit. I feel for Phil right now, because I can see him losing the ability to keep himself from cracking. He needs to hit his wall of futility and find his tears. He's scared that his tribe will run out of food or the food that they have won't be kept safe and they will go hungry. I wonder if he's known hunger. I'll bet you if he had as a child he would be pretty scared right now and is maybe feeling about that age when he realized he was hungry. Find your Buddha Phil - be honest with yourself and then with the others and they might not see you as so crazy.
Steve is reaching to Rob to get rid of Phil because Phil is crazy. Dear Lord they showed him in his fuchsia panties once again. He's taken his buff and is hanging it over the front of his undies. I can't wait until that buff gets burned up - I bet it would sell in a heart beat for a lot of money. I really hope he's able to either find some sanity and clarity on the final show and talk to us about his experience. His real experience on Survivor.

The Challenge: I think it's going to be a balancing act. Andrea gave back her immunity necklace. They have to spin and release a puzzle wheel base and then they have to put the puzzle together on that base and then there is another round after that. First round gets you dizzy. Andrea is in the lead, Grant, Julie, Rob, Ralph, Natalie, Ashley, and Phillip. Rob is moving on first. Julie next. Ralph. Andrea, Steve, and Grant - they all move on to the next round. They have to put together the second ring around their puzzle. Steve and Andrea are the first to make any moves. Julie is fricken buff! Holy. Rob finished first and STEVE was so close. He was so close. Steve is going to Redemption Island.

Who will go to Redemption Island? JULIE! Gross! She hid Philthy's shorts so now he is relegated to wearing just his nasty fuchsia tighties...or wait not tighties as they are stretched all out. He is blaming the girls in his own tribe right now. Ouch, Phil will just go off, like that - snap finger. He needs to go home and get well for a little bit. Rob doesn't "believe that one man should have this much power on an island, but I'm grateful I do." Phil believes that Steve stole his shorts. Jeff is floored by the race card coming out. Ah, now Phil believes that crazy is a synonym for the "n" word. Phil even brought up a story about him and his father in the grocery store and his father was called, "boy" which is a synonym for the "n" word. Phil feels that 'crazy' being used by Steve is the same thing. He also mentioned Richard Pryor's third comedy album. Ashley doesn't know what it means to be an African American man - hmmm, really? Julie came clean about hiding the shorts.
Will Phil go to Redemption tonight? NOPE - Julie is going to Redemption Island, "I guess you're never going to find your shorts." They stood by their man, Phil.

Next week on Survivor - they are all on the edge.

Murlonio Tribe:
Boston Rob (Mentalist)
Andrea
Natalie
Grant (Assassin)
Philip (Specialist)
Ashley
Julie
Ralph
Steve

The Island of Misfits (AKA Redemption Island)
King Matt
Prince Mike

On the Jury Bench:
DAVID

Sittin' at home...
Francesca, Kristina, Russell, Stephanie, Krista, and Sarita.

Survivor 22! Redemption Island Trinity

2011-04-14T12:23:00.000-07:00

Everyone before Matt's eventual return to Redemption
http://realitymunches.blogspot.com/

Last week, Matt was put on the island once again. I hope he is able to re-re-enter the game. He should have made a brand new alliance. But he didn't and hopefully he will if he gets another chance.

I'm still surprised that Natalie won the first Immunity Challenge. Matt seems to think that BR's word is gospel and if BR wants him to be around he will keep him around.

HAHAHA - Matt just called himself the most naive player in the game of Survivor. "I feel like a moron." He then starts talking about it being God's will to keep him on Redemption Island - it wasn't God's will, it was his own ignorance. If he wanted to listen to God's will, he should have trusted in his instinct - you were created in God's image, Matt - trust yourself.

David thinks BR was mob-style and genius. Even Mike gave Rob kudos. Julie felt it was cold-blooded. Those girls (Ashley and Natalie) are all over BR and totally fanning him with palm leaves.

Ralph was asking about whether or not he was on the chopping block with the two girls that haven't ever made a decision all by themselves since the beginning of the game. Ralph is all paranoid because he doesn't know what's going on from the other tribe and they are all going to the final six. See, right now this is a numbers game: Rob's old tribe still has 6 people and Russel's old tribe only has 5 - guess they shouldn't have had an intentional loss. BR is maintaining the solid six and he wants his team to hate the other tribe and show them their arrogance - BR will stay clean though, he'll let everyone else in the tribe do the dirty work, putting the other tribe down. Rob believes by keeping his mouth shut and only controlling his soldiers he thinks this is going to get the votes of the other tribe. I don't know. Natalie just told Rob that Ralph will vote for Ashley and that Ashley decided not to tell BR and she kept a secret from him. Now, Rob thinks it would be smart to vote out Ashley next because she kept a secret. He's a cocky dictator. I wonder if he will go to therapy after the game. I wonder if he returns home with a superiority complex. I wonder if he's always had this personality trait? Hmm...either way, I hope he's home contemplating it soon. He's making it work though - I figure I hate it so much because I don't like that he is manipulating his tribe-mates. I thought Andrea would be the first with Matt to go against the grain and attempt to rid BR from the game and the island. That would have been the smoothest move ever - but I guess the smoothest move award so far in the game must go to BR.

Philthy is wearing a feather that he found after a meditation. Awesome. He's got it sticking straight up on his forehead, brilliant.

Challenge: dig out a club, smash a tile, take a mouthful of water from an open trough, keep that water in your mouth and then crawl under a thing, spit it into a funnel attached to a measuring cup, and then build a puzzle thing with big blocks.

First six, Julie, Grant, Rob, Mike, Steve, and Ralph. It's so gross watching them spit their water into the tube thing. Grant, David, and Mike make it to the final round for immunity. GET RID OF ROB, people.
Okay, now it's time for David to show how good he is at puzzles. I hope he gets it, but then again, when he gets cocky about it all, I think it might be good for him to be beat by the jocks. GRANT wins immunity - what happened David? I thought you were the best one ever at solving puzzles? I guess this proves you wrong, eh? Unfortunate. I hope BR is sent to Redemption Island. Grant is amazing at challenges.

Rob did say that he wants to vote out Ashley - but it would be pretty dumb to vote her out now would it not? I hope he does it.

Mike's looking for a hail Mary. He compared Rob to a prison guard.

They found that the flag pole had been moved (the five on the other side) and then they thought maybe something was buried so they started digging up the sand. They stopped when they saw the BR Dictatorship heading towards camp. Phil ran over and then BR joined in with shovels so now they are looking for another idol. I can't believe they took over and started looking. Mike and Dave called them the Murlonio crime syndicate. Now BR is all paranoid. It's insane. Now they are trying to figure out who to vote out that will be most likely to beat Matt. Jessup Harry (full blooded Cherokee, great grandfather) came to Philthy in his meditation and he told him that Ometepe would live long in the lore of Survivor. Awesome.

Julie just called it out - Phil said it was this is his Survivor family and then Julie just said, "Matt thought he was your family too."
Dave also called it out saying that Phil sounds crazy right now - like right to his face, "do you know how crazy you sound right now?". Then Philthy turned around and said, "Do you know what you sound like? You sound like someone in the bottom of a sesspool struggling to get out." That was mean and uncalled for. This is that whole psychological test where if you talk down a group of people long enough you begin to feel that way. It's really scary if you think about it. I wonder if Rob realizes what he is creating in people right now. Mike was voted to Redemption Island. I suppose Julie was right about the karma coming back to haunt.

Rob just told Phil that he will be with him to the top three. I hope he takes him and Philthy wins the entire game. Rob is so cocky and assured. I hope he gets slammed down. Phil is Rob's number one. Natalie and Phil are apparently going to the final three with Rob. He needs to go.

I hope Phil is still against Rob. He is a smart guy and he's complex :)

Ralph is getting paranoid. He's trying to talk about the game with the other side of the tribe. He's pushing it and I hope he gets something out of this. Dave is getting frustrated as well with the whole thing. Oooh, they showed a little green bug trapped in a spider web.

THERE is a second challenge for immunity! Awesome. There is going to be 3 people on Redemption this time! They have to hang from their arms and legs over a dug out pool of water. After so much time they have to let go and with their legs they have to hang suspended over this muddy pond. The last one hanging will win Immunity. Phil and Steve decided that eating was more important. Rob is having a hell of a time trying to get comfortable. I think he gave up. Phil is talking shit about David. Everyone made it to the leg portion. Julie was the next one gone. Grant is out and Ralph fell almost at the same time. David is the only guy still in the game. David has to stick it out or the girls from Cult de BR are - before I even finished typing the words he fell down - going to win. Andrea won immunity this time - Ashley and Natalie let go and let Andrea win it. Man. Which one will head to Redemption? Think they could form an all girl alliance before Rob gets a chance to get Ashley voted out? Maybe pull in Julie? That'll never happen.

The old Russell tribe caught a tonne of fish in their nets. Awesome. BR is telling people that the fish is no good to eat because it had been sitting on the rocks and rigor mortis had set in. Someone just said, "I ain't eatin' dead fish." Julie is really getting annoyed with Rob's style of leadership. If Rob would have caught the fish - they would have all eaten. Grant is making his own decisions...Rob is instructing everyone on his tribe to NOT eat - Not Grant, he went over there and had some. I can't believe how they follow everything he says. Grant and Andrea have to get together and GET RID OF BOSTON ROB. I can't stand his behaviour, he's called himself a general and he's running his tribe like the army. What an arse.

Philip wore the feather once again to tribal. We are dealing with the "Stealths R us" brotherhood. Phil is the Specialist (Infultrate), BR is the Mentalist, and Grant is the destroyer of aspirations (AKA the Assassin). Julie just said, "Rob has complete control over the tribe" and she says that they are really more like a cult. David got sent to Redemption Island. Okay, so now there are three people on Redemption Island. I wonder what the funk is going to happen. I hope they do something crazy. Something super crazy, like maybe they have a little tribe over there where they have to vote out someone each week in a small version and the final two or four standing will either receive votes for the million or they won't. Wouldn't this really F with Rob's plans for victory? Interesting. Maybe they just whittle down the main island tribe until there are even numbers on Redemption Island and then each tribe will vote someone to the jury? We'll see.

Who's left?
Main Island Tribe - Murlonio
- Boston Rob (Figurehead for Cult de BR - Mentalist)
- Andrea (immunity holder - maybe tied for lowest standing in Cult de BR with Ashley)
- Natalie (last week's immunity holder - BR's main circle)
- Ashley (very little standing in the tribe)
- Grant (first immunity holder tonight - Assassin)
- Philip (BR's number 2 - Specialist)
- Julie (one of the next to go)
- Steve (might be the next one to go)
- Ralph (super hairy guy, he'll go soon too)

Redemption Island
- Matt (leader of the misfits)
- Mike (next to be sacrificed)
- and David makes three.

Gone bye-bye
- Francesca, Russell, Sarita, Kristina, Krista, and Stephanie.

Alex Winston & Star Slinger

2011-04-11T08:22:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure who I'm more infatuated with right now - Alex Winston or Star Slinger. When I saw Star Slinger put out a remix of Alex Winston's, Sister Wife - I had fallen in love - their love child is my favourite song right now! Alex is from Detroit, Michigan. All the greats are from Detroit. Okay, not all but a lot of them. I used to live in Windsor, Ontario - so close. Maybe she'll be playing when I'm there for a visit next month. Fingers crossed!
I hope you enjoy it as I do - listen to it HERE. You can also find Star Slinger on Facebook.
You will also be able to hear Choice Notes also by Alex and remixed by Labyrinth Ear. You can find Labyrinth Ear on Facebook.

Alex can be found on Facebook as well :)

Survivor 22! Redemption Island - Merge Week!

2011-04-06T20:45:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the MERGE week! I knew it was coming. I thought we might have had one more week to see what would happen. I do fear that Matt will not be able to make it back into the game, but we will soon find out - won't we? I really hope Sarita doesn't get back in the game...if she does, she won't last very long after the merge - she'll quickly annoy all others and she'll be booted.
Who's at home? Francesca, Kristina, Krista, Russell, and Stephanie.
I was kind of upset to see the commercials that informed me of the merge and I was also unfortunately shown what the challenge is for Redemption...it's that one where women generally win - the survivors have to maintain their balance as the boards they are allowed to place the sides of their feet get skinnier and skinnier. I really think Sarita's going to win.
Ralph apparently wrote down David's name and Dave '...ain't made at 'cha'.
Ometepe: Rob announces the mail. They all go to the battle. They are merging tonight.
Mike is going to try and play the other tribe and figure out how to get rid of Rob.
Matt totally ripped a chunk out of the side of his foot - fricken gross enough to hear about it and even worse to show it repeatedly...he kept pulling it back and showing it all raw and near bloody. Ew. I almost passed out.
They will be merging tonight. Jeff made the official announcement. Brace against a wall while you are perched on very narrow footholds - ones that continue to get more and more narrow as they go along in time. Will Redemption Messiah make it hanging by his toes? He was able to wrap his foot.
Jeff asks Phillip for his thoughts on how to win...so he suggests that they focus on the task at hand and then they fade in and out because he was apparently talking, talking, talking and he was not ending. He did mention that Matt will be just fine if he continues to have faith. Everyone from Sarita's tribe is calling - Zen baby, zen Sarita. Julie and Steve were her biggest supporters. OMG! MATT WON AGAIN! I can't believe it. I'm so happy. I do believe! I do believe! He's going to be such a target - he won six challenges in a row. I wonder who his Judas will be? Any thoughts? I bet it will be Rob.
One tribe y'all.

Andrea and Matt share a hug. I wonder when she's going to chew him out for flirting with Krista. Redemption Island will be starting all over again. Interesting. Two shots to get back into the game. Interesting. I like the addition of Redemption Island for sure.
Feast includes booze and fresh fruit; bread, chicken and veggies I think. There were also mixed nuts. I wish we had some almonds to snack on. They got cut up chicken and they are going to cook later tonight - I think that's gross...they should cook it now and avoid illness.
Murlonio Tribe- awh! What a cute story. He and Amber have an inside joke about her stuffed animals - Murlonia is the ring leader of all the stuffies. That's cute. Okay, point for Rob. He lied and said that it means something like the meeting across the lake or ocean or some cheesy story like that. They showed a spider making a web in quick motion camera. Neato.

Mike goes over and tries to get Matt and Andrea on his tribe side.
Matt says he wants to vote out Steve, Phil, and then Rob. He's talking to Andrea right now. He wants to blindside the Ometepe tribe. She's not totally into the plan it seems. I guess he picks Steve first to gain trust and then voting for Phil won't be that big of a surprise because people are getting annoyed with him. And then he would be able to fire the big gun and send Rob home.
Mike was reading the bible with Matt. They were talking about 'man does not live on bread alone'. Rob is paranoid about the Christian Coalition - he goes to church every Sunday. He wants it broken up because he doesn't like people banning together with an interest in kind...he doesn't care what it is...oreo cookies or romantic comedies. Mike is apparently going to Redemption Island if he doesn't win individual immunity. We'll see about that. Mike did seem to be a little insincere reading that bible.
Individual Immunity is a necklace type thing. They have to stand on a log and balance a ball on a handheld plate like platter. Balls will be added to the platter as time goes by. Phil is not a very balanced person it seems. The log is laying sideways. Julie was the first one out. Ashley is second. Dave third. I was thinking Ralph would be out first.
Jeff, "Everybody grab your balls, you're safe." I'm not kidding.
Andrea out forth, Grant (whose toe nails are all black, gross), Matt is out next, Rob dropped out, Phillip out. Ralph, Mike, Steve, and Natalie remain in the challenge. Ralph is out next, Steve, and then ... OOOHhhhh a fly landed on one of Mike's balls, he seems a little distracted now. MIKE backed out of the challenge, it didn't look like anything was wrong...almost like he let her win or something. Natalie won the first Individual Immunity - I'm surprise, I'm being honest.
Who will go to Redemption? I think it might be Mike.

Cute Little Lizard
(tried to find link to no avail)

Mike said his feet went numb that's why he fell off the log. Ralph said that he would let Mike use the idol if he needed it. They are gunning for Grant. I like Grant. They are trying to send a message to Rob that they are going to take out his right hand man. Matt is going to be true to the Ometepe tribe even though they voted him out first. If it's God's will he will go home. Matt shared the information with Rob which wasn't in his good interest. Matt might go to Redemption again. He has so little trust in people. Matt is being honest with him and that's all. He doesn't think that people have their own intentions and they will all believe in his words. He will grow. He's a nice person, but he's too trusting. Rob has NO trust in people being honest with him. Matt needs to flip. He has to. If he wants to stay in the game, he has to flip and go with the Zapatera tribe.

They were showing a variety of snakes

Mike gave Matt a secret note. Now they are promising Matt to the final three if he votes for Grant. So now, Matt has to figure some stuff out and grow. He's going to be a changed person after tonight's vote.
I wish they would just vote for Boston Rob and get him out of the game like now. They are still like two different tribes. They are all like high-schoolers. Matt preferred being alone in this game.

Cute Little FROG - are these the kind you lick?
(tried to find the link, but it doesn't work)

Ralph is playing his idol for Mike - shouldn't have done that Ralph - nice gesture though. Matt was once again sent to Redemption Island. David is all impressed. He thought that was a genius move to get Matt out again. I feel terrible. What a downer this week was. I can't believe Matt decided to go with his old tribe. Not a good move at all. Andrea decided to turn against Matt. Guess that's how she let him know she's pissed about his relationship with Krista. Bag. I mean - okay, let's talk about this: Matt thought it over way too much. He had an idea and his idea and belief was to turn against the Ometepe Tribe. That was his initial plan and he went against it. I believe that he was tempted by what his idea of the 'right thing to do' was instead of trusting in himself. That's a problem today don't you think? Not following your gut instinct and try to change yourself so as to match what you THINK others or your 'god' will want you to do. When really? All we have to do is listen to ourselves. Trust in ourselves. You feel me?

Next week on Survivor? Philthy is wearing a feather on his forehead.

OMETEPE: ZAPATERA:
Natalie Steve
Grant David
Phillip Julie
Ashley Mike
Andrea Ralph
Boston Rob

At home? Sarita, Stephanie, Krista, Russell, Kristina, Francesca.

Redemption Again? Matt.

So hexcited for BIRP! April 2011

2011-04-02T10:49:00.000-07:00

OMG, I just started to download the lastest BIRP! playlist and checked out who would be on it this month. There are so many I'm looking forward to already - Gobble Gobble, Star Slinger, Big White Clouds (yes!), Cool Runnings, The Ravonettes, Absofacto and 10K Cities, Explosions in the Sky, Gold Panda, Broken Bells, tUnE yArDs, The Morning Benders, Brothertiger, We are Trees...There were also a few rated five stars and I don't recall having heard anything by those artists - so I'm pretty excited!
I still have quite some time to wait. Boo. Guess this means I'll try and get the album art up here with a link somewhere and then I'll go clean the house :) Check back in a few (days) and I'll have my reviews with some videos if you like! :)

You can stream it if you don't want to download the whole thing if you want

Sweet! I figured out how to move the picture around and change the size of it and stuff like that.

Survivor 22! Redemption Island Jesus

2011-03-30T18:03:00.000-07:00

http://www.armchairsurvivor.com/archives/408 (I borrowed the picture)
Quick update: Who is at home? Or more accurately, who is sitting on the beach somewhere in Nicaragua? Francesca, Kristina, Krista, and Russell. Will Matt 'hang' out for another week? Will we see the second coming right here on American television? Will hope be renewed in a religion slowly being overtaken by rational thought? We'll see, this week on - Survivor.

One question...how is it that Philthy is now the most mentally stable guy on Ometepe tribe? I guess it all comes in one package; good days and bad days I suppose.

I'm waiting out "Pawn Stars" right now. The # 1 joy of watching TV recorded on the DVR? NO commercials to watch - unless I want to. Now I am waiting until we have enough of a time buffer to allow forwarding through the commercials. It is now 17:12hrs and I think we're going to start watching - impatience. Maybe there will be another commercial with a great indie song attached to it.

Are you able enough to win Stephanie? I sort of hope so, but I'm also looking forward to seeing Matt win all the way through. If Zapatera loses this challenge, David might end up there and Matt will have a tougher go at winning against him. We'll see. Steve attempts to be a diplomatic voice uniting the team. David doesn't seem to be too worried about being known as anti-Sarita. Sarita is really skinny - lol - she just called Stephanie's side the dark side.

Redemption Island has some really cool stone carvings. Stephanie is talking about all this junk food and her food cravings. I think she's trying to get on Matt's nerves and I think it's working. Matt is PreMed. I wonder if he will question his God when he starts to practice medicine.

Philthy and BR go to the duel. Phil mentions "The Book of Five Rings". Let your enemy move first. Phil does not want to be controlled. BR thinks he's going only to babysit Phil - "He's dangerous because of his stupidity." That's not nice Rob, not nice at all. The other tribe sent Ralph and David.

12 nights have passed for Matt on Redemption Island. The battle? Matching symbols on turning tables...first to five wins and the loser goes home - or a resort - I'm not sure where they end up when they leave the game. Stephanie won the coin toss and Matt goes first. Matt got first pairing blind. Stephanie did the same thing...pairing blind. Matt gets his second pair. Matt now winning 3-1. 3-2 now. 4-2 lead for Matt. He needs only one more to win this game. She turned over the Warrior and she can't remember - d'oh, she got it. Now we are at 4-3. Matt, with unwarranted confidence did not match his fifth. Stephanie did the same thing to tie it up but she didn't get it right. He did win again! I love this. I might just start believing in God if he wins. Stephanie is crying. They've all cried. Stephanie wants Sarita gone and she let everyone know as much. I hate that they have to burn their buffs! That totally sucks. If I was in the game, I would want it to sell it on ebay. Phil likens Matt to a Samurai Warrior - really nice of him to say that.

Ometepe: Phil asked BR for direction before they go back to the tribe. I think Phil was just trying to do what Rob wants. Now, Rob is all excited because he wants to throw Phil under the bus and let everyone know that Philthy wanted to lie to the tribe. He says he wants everyone on the same page...however, he's friggin lying about having the idol! What a two-faced person. He's just trying to divert attention from him so he can be super sneaky. I wish they would wake up and get rid of Rob. I mean he even married someone to get his hands on that million dollars! Okay, that was a bit much...but still... :o)

Zapatera - they think David will flop because you gotta look at lawyers that way because they think they are above everybody else. According to Ralph that is. David just tried to get everyone out there to go fishing...but they were being a bit pissy with him...he should just go fishing. Julie, "David is bugging me" and then Sarita starts talking about he she wants to punch him in the face. I think they need another punching bag, so they are just picking on him - guess they should have kept Russell.

Ometepe: Oh my goodness...they are worried about saving the crunchy stuff for Rob at the bottom of the rice pot. So, Phil went over there to get some and they wouldn't give him any because it's for Rob. That's hilarious. Philthy just talks too much and it gets on people's nerves. He's the not cool kid in the classroom. I think he may have been just proving a point. I just wish there was one more person on the tribe that he could confide in. It would be brilliant. Now all the girls are like fanning Rob with palm leaves...Phil did mention a truth - in any other society he would be the one given deference only based on his age. He's still trying his damnedest for the tribe's betterment, but they treat him like crap.

The Challenge: Race through obstacles to collect some balls and then get them into the basket at the end of the course. Whomever wins gets immunity and reward: Helicopter ride for a picnic with veggies and fruits and treats - booze and not booze. Second picnic reward. Awesome. I would like to see something like whichever tribe wins gets to trade up one of their choice members for a choice of someone on the other tribe. That would be awesome. I want Ometepe to win because I want Philthy to stick around for a bit. He got stuck though so he might go home if they lose because of it. David just took up the lead for Zapatera...Yes! Rob messed it up for his tribe. I doubt they'll see that though if they make it to tribal. They had to blast through a brick wall for crying out loud! That looked like it hurt. Phil just blasted through the bricks like it was damp paper. Ometepe is in the lead...Grant is really athletic. Zapatera now has five balls in there. (cue Jeff Probst impression) Ometepe wins immunity and reward! That's great, Philthy will be around for another week. Looks like David might be going home unless he can find a crack in someone's loyalty for Sarita since she was limping through the whole challenge.

Truly beautiful views. They landed on top of an active volcano. Neato. Remember last time when they got the volcano reward and they went tobogganing? That was hilarious to watch and it didn't look like great fun. Guess that's why they are having just a picnic now. The echo was amazing. I think Grant got all the baskets for his tribe. They haven't even talked about it. They are not only surviving they are thriving. Poetic though right? So close to the earth's core. I can't believe ROB! I hope he gets a fine for litering! What a jerk. He already has the idol, so he thought it would be a good idea to just toss it to the molten lava below. What an ass. He should get a fine. I hope he does. That was not cool at all.

The other tribe is talking about who to get rid of...Sarita is leading the charge on getting rid of Dave. She was all sick and limping at the end of the challenge and she doesn't think that David is any better at anything than she is. She needs to go, she's scrambling too much right now. I don't think Ralph is totally sold on the idea. David's busting his ass to get wood and he went hunting and stuff and Sarita is just out there scrambling to keep herself in the game. She should go home. Steve is advocating to keep Dave around. I wonder what Julie is going to think about this plan, she was sitting there when Steve was trying to talk Ralph into this new plan to rid themselves of their weakest link. Do they go with trust or strength. Mike wasn't too sure what they were going to do to keep themselves out of this tailspin they are currently in. Remember that cartoon? Tail Spin? I loved it!

I wonder who is going to Redemption? Ralph doesn't know what cohesive means. Or does he? The ones that don't get along well together work harder together because they don't want to sit around and gab - they want to work and get the job done. What is with Steve? He sat there and said that they should get rid of Sarita, but then thinks that a team should be more loyal. I don't get it. Sarita is annoying me. David did a nice thing...Jeff was asking Sarita if she was gunning for David - and then David shut her up and answered for her so she didn't have to feel that discomfort...or maybe he was just sick of listening to her. Let's see...4-2 SARITA! SHE IS GOING TO Redemption Island! She didn't even bring her stuff with her. David said to her, "Don't be too confident." Julie is the only woman left on their tribe.
I hope Matt doesn't get too confident in winning when he goes up against Sarita.

OMETEPE: ZAPATERA:
Natalie Steve
Grant David
Phillip Julie
Ashley Mike
Andrea Ralph
Boston Rob

Survivor 22: Redemption Island

2011-03-24T14:13:00.000-07:00

Welcome to another week of Survivor:
So far: Francesca, Russell, and Kristina have all gone home.

I'm hoping, with fingers and toes crossed, Krista kicks around until she's able to get off Redemption and into the merged tribe somewhere down the line. However, I doubt this is going to happen. We are, after all, about to witness the second coming of Matt. I want Krista around because she's my character for the work pool.

Zapatera are getting a little bit 'bickery' and we'll see ... 'what happens this week on - SURvivor'. Maybe they needed Russell to stick around so they could focus their negative energy toward him while maintaining harmony.

Krista is happy to be around Matt because he's positive. They both believe that God has sent them there.

Ewwww, creepy big spider!

Steve's got hurt feelings about getting a couple of votes at tribal - really? He's in the huge fraction of the tribe and Krista and Stephanie had to vote for someone. Stephanie held her ground when he said her vote was stupid. She doesn't really care. I mean really? Who was she supposed to vote for?

Natalie and Ashley had a 'spa' day with dull scissors. I'm not kidding - gross! Natalie was plucking Ashley's armpit hair. They have done nothing around camp. Oooh, Philthy walked over and asked the girls to check the fire. All he wants to do is get people to help out around camp. Listening to them talk - dear me, seriously.

WHAT! I had no idea that Krista was super into God. They sat down and prayed and she got her luxury item; her pink bible - finally they connect via their faith - that's great! Too bad they weren't on a tribe together.

Witness to the Dual? Julie and Mike from Zapatera and Natalie and Andrea from Ometepe.

They will be playing a giant game of labyrinth after collecting three bags with a grappling hook where they will collect one marble for the table game. Whomever wins, stays in the game for now. Krista gets her bag first. Then Matt. Krista gets her second one. Matt then got his second. Krista got her third in three tosses. Now she's on her way to do the table maze (Labyrinth). COME ON Krista! Matt is winning on the challenge and NOOOOO! Matt stays alive and Krista goes home. Dang it all. Dang. Krista gave Matt her bible. What a great gesture. Andrea didn't think so. She was all, "girlfriend" with her eyes. Andrea and Matt kinda have/had a thing goin'. Matt looks really sad that Krista is now gone. Now Andrea wants him to go because "he can be very dangerous as well". Which I interpret to be: He needs to get gone because he was my man and obviously I didn't mean much to him because he made friends with someone else." Too funny.

Sarita's got a booboo tooth. Julie thinks she's a drama queen princess. Ralph thought it was kind of silly to try and clean her dirty teeth with a dirty stick - she gouged her gums. Now they are talking about unseating her in the game. David is trying to get Stephanie to be more part of the group because he likes her better than Sarita. Let's see what happens.

Cute little red crab in a tree.

Phillip had a reasonable request and Natalie and Ashely were annoyed with him. A storm is coming in and he wanted them to collect wood. BR and Grant just think 'well they are girls and they ain't gonna do anything'. HAHAHA, Ashley was all offended because he doesn't ask the boys to help in the same way as he's been asking them...he does ask the boys. He just doesn't have to ask all the time, they just get up and help. Now Ashley thinks that Phillip is mentally ill because he wants her to pull her weight. At least he said that Andrea does her share. BR mentioned that he needs play peacemaker so the tribe can continue to win and not contribute to dividing the tribe. He likened himself to Arafat - well...I don't know much about that Nobel Prize winner, but there is some speculation. I'm just sayin'.

Stephanie is trying to get back into the tribe. She went to talk to Steve to try and apologize for something she's not really sorry for. Pretty good strategy for her...she's trying to save herself. Steve accepted the apology. Then she planted the seed. She said she really wanted to vote out Sarita. Her and David are trying to work together - Steve was in agreement. Maybe Sarita will be out next. They kept showing Sarita really babying the right side of her mouth.

Nice birdy flying in the sky.

Oooh, Challenge! Looks interesting. I like the tribe colours this year - purple and orange.

Phil is a Gorillion today! He's using both of his totem animals - sweet!

The challenge? To launch balls with a big slingshot and the others have to catch them in a net thing. First to five wins immunity and reward. Sarita is sitting out this one. She's got a sore tooth...what's worse? They will also get reward! They will be brought out to San Juan Del Sur to a nice spot overlooking a lake.

Ometepe winning 1-0. 2-0. 3-0. Grant is kicking some BUTT. 4-0 (BR caught this one). Mike totally ripped off Grant's shirt trying to keep him away from catching the ball. Not very sportsmanlike is it? 5-0. Grant caught the last one. Boston's team won again. There we go. Let's see if Sarita gets sent to Redemption. Maybe Julie was right to be a little scared for some nasty karma for throwing that challenge to get rid of Russell.
They got so much FOOD! It looked good and healthy too. The view was amazing. There was a Jesus statue there:

BR was checking for the hidden immunity idol under the lobster tails. Grant grabbed the clue and then him and BR go to 'look at the view'. At least he got to read the latest clue and Philthy looked over and saw what they were doing. Phil gets all serious with the cameras explaining how the three of them are: 'Stealth R Us' - Phil is the specialist, Rob is the Mentalist, and Grant is the Assassin! Heck ya! The trinity. He's annoyed and Hell hath no fury like a Gorillion when he's been provoked - he's choked. He served his country for 4 years, 11 months, and 13 days. He's going to smile and when the time comes he's going to 'kick a little ass around here.' Booya!

David is lobbying for Sarita to get gone. Sarita is not going to campaign. She doesn't feel she needs to because she's so loyal. Let's see what happens! Julie and Sarita had a good little chat - she's going to kick around for another week. She's cute and likeable. Julie's not too sure at this point. David is trying his best to sway those left. I don't know. Sarita is aching and they can't sit anyone out for challenges. I think it might come down to what she says at Tribal (Stephanie that is). Ralph just said that if he had been slinging, he would have done better. Stephanie tried to call out Sarita for sitting out. David was all over Sarita for it too. I think Stephanie's age might be shining through right now - she's bickering to trying to stay, but it now sounds desperate. David is really fighting for Stephanie to stay because they need strength right now and Ralph is on board with that strategic thinking. This is going to be a close call tonight for sure. DANG IT - Stephanie was voted to Redemption Island - it's all good, she will have a chance to get back into this game. I think this puts David next in line. They really couldn't trust Stephanie right through to the end because she already told Rob that she would flip to be on his side once the merge happened anyhow.

Anyone notice that commercials are showcasing some GREAT music lately? This is a way to keep my interest. They have a ford commercial with a song by one of my favourites - Jonsi's Go Do. So good.

Next time on - Survivor: Mental fatigue. Dave is a lose cannon and BR has a target on him! Finally. Stephanie has some high hopes of winning out there on Redemption - she might.

OMETEPE: ZAPATERA:
Natalie Steve
Grant David
Phillip Julie
Ashley Mike
Andrea Ralph
Boston Rob Sarita

Redemption Island: Matt vs Stephanie
Home on the Couch: Krista, Kristina, Francesca, and Russell.

And on a completely unrelated note: doesn't Scotty on American Idol look like the guy from Mad Magazine? Don't get me wrong, Scotty got TALENT. I hope he either wins American Idol or he places in the top three. He'll have a record deal either way. And he's cuter than the Mad guy.

Gabor Maté speaks about Addictions and Corrections

2011-03-22T10:49:00.000-07:00

This video has a second part to it, you can find it on youtube with the same title just part 2 of 2 on the end.
Gabor Maté, what more to say? He has a message for everyone to hear. He speaks to intrigued individuals and his work is available for just the cost of bandwidth via youtube and other web-based venues. You can purchase his books - see the bottom of this post to order from Amazon.
His words resonate in me. I have a greater understanding of addiction, of pain, of people being people trying to obtain what's best for them in this life. We are all the same. We are all the same, you know, if you strip away all the material things. If I look at one person and realize that they were once just little and tiny and needing their mothers, their fathers - we are all the same. We were not all treated the same, raised the same, or encouraged in the same manner as even our siblings - but down to our core, we are all the same.
We interpret information differently. We heal our pain in different ways - but none of us enjoy pain - some people, this pain is all they know and therein lies the comfort. Heal your mental suffering and the body pain comes in second place. I believe when I engage in my addictive behaviours, I'm thinking to ease some mental suffering and I know I'm not thinking about the suffering of my body or others. For example: When I want to shop for a book, instead of taking that time to walk my dog for an hour, I will walk the aisles of two separate bookstores instead. If I went for a walk with Moksha, we would both be healthier and happier for it. Gabor has said something along the lines of his addiction is not even a blip on the radar for damage to self compared to the most hurting individuals he works with - I hear what he is saying. I can find myself somewhere on this continuum, but not anywhere near the grande scale of those most addicted individuals. I believe they are trying to quell the mental anguish in any way they can. I hope that I am able to convey the compassion we need as a society to help those most in need.

Fantastic read. Gabor Maté, MD is a fabulous writer. I believe he encourages the reader to see past the words and visualize the information and integrate it into their living. I am grateful for his ability as a writer to pose brain science to me, a layperson, in a way that I can comprehend.

Blalock's Indie Rock Playlist - March 2011

2011-03-20T14:40:00.000-07:00

BIRP! Find them on Facebook and you won't be disappointed. I can't believe the work that must go into getting this music out there. Fabulous indeed.

I really enjoyed this month's playlist for sure! I had initially chose about 35 with five star and then after a few listens through I was able to bring it down to 10. I do have to give an honourable mentions to Starfucker, Bright Eyes, Radiohead, Lykke Li, tUnE-yArDs, Tory y moi, Young Galaxy, Young Liars, Foxes in Fiction, Absofacto, Banjo or Freakout...I was glad to see some familiar names, but I wasn't as happy with these ones as the 10 that I have chosen to showcase below :o) I hope you enjoy the mix I have put together.

Locomotive by Alex Winston
There is something in her voice. I am drawn every time without fail.
I thought I might perhaps be moved by the humour and shock value of Sister Wife last month, but in all honesty, I'm lovin' her voice.

Contact High by Architecture in Helsinki - I'm not kidding; this song starts out sounding like Prince. Seriously. As the song continues, we hear
the pop shine through with electric beats and synth guitar sounds. I'm really not sure they could look like more fun! Please check out their site.
I got the picture from their site and I wouldn't want anyone to think I didn't give credit where credit is due. You can find direction to pick up this
latest single, Contact High from iTunes. I also see they are on facebook.

Neon Love by Armistice
Starts out sounding a little country and that eerie mystery surrounding a good western movie. I feel like I should have a cigarette smoking away
in an overflowing ashtray while I think about some serious stuff. Know what I mean? The voices blend well together. By the end of the song I've
figured out my most disconcerting thoughts and can relax. I am proud to say - this band is CANADIAN :)

Peach, Plum, Pear (Joanna Newsom) by blithe field
You have to listen to the song. It starts out kind of slow, but then the great voice of Joanna Newson kicks in and it is there that I knew I was hooked. I didn't even need to think about whether this song was going to make the final cut (as it were). I dance in my seated position while I key these words getting lost in the music. You can find them on myspace.

Float On by Cities Aviv
The name of the song is the same as one by Modest Mouse...don't be confused. I like this song. I'm pulled in close with the soothing loop beat
and in comes the old-style hip hop sing song. I'm in this song.

Holidays by FLASHLIGHTS
I wanna have fun like 80's Madonna! And you know what? It's almost like I'm on a tropical holiday when the calipso (?) drums start - or maybe it's a drum machine or something. I don't know enough about instruments and stuff to really be informed or intelligent when I write about them! haha! Please be gentle with my descriptions. You can officially 'like' FLASHLIGHTS on facebook!

Nerves by HAPPY TRENDY
This song starts out not sounding very happy nor trendy at all. It, in fact, quite nearly gets on my nerves until the voice is introduced. However, it does sound hopeful. The low voice is near depressing, but I'm carried through and I'm not bored with it at all. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Honey Mine (Memoryhouse Remix) by Korallreven
I'm diggin this one straight away. I am loving remixes as of late. I like the continuous loops and familiarity it provides. Each time I listen to it I
hear something new in the mix.

For What It's Worth by Maggie Eckford
This one is a shoulder shaker and sing along sweet song. The foot stomping happens after hearing the lyrics re: I still love you for what it's worth I still need you...I'm feeling for this singer. Should she let this person go? Or do they deserve her continual pining for?
les neuf soeurs by Mode Moderne

Quiet beginning is just enough to get me to the vocals and then I'm thinkin', "Is this Ian Curtis incarnate?" I had to pick it for that reason alone. I really like this song. I can picture him singing and dancing (well, moving arms back and forth and shaking his head).

Blogger Buzz: What’s New With Blogger

2011-03-20T13:58:00.000-07:00

Blogger Buzz: What’s New With Blogger